Bodice Rippers: 21 Of The Most Ridiculous Romance Novels…EVER.

For you, my minions, I have compiled a list of the most hilariously bad bodice rippers of all time. Confession: unlike my other lists, I have not read these. (The library didn’t have Sex, Lies and Leprechauns, okay? I would have complained but I wasn’t sure I could look the librarian in the eye.) However, I did check to make sure they’re all legit. These are existing books, not modified for anyone’s amusement–it wasn’t needed.

In no particular order:

#1.  The Very Virile Viking, Sandra Hill

This is a classic of the terrible smut genre. Magnus Ericsson and his ten children by various wenches  (okay, nine, one got left behind) have accidentally time travelled from their Viking village into modern-day Hollywood. Magnus immediately falls for a winemaker named Angela and they hunker down in some bed furs for some good ol’ viking ploughing. Oh, look, there are ten children again. He also finds his long missing brothers, who apparently also time travelled and star in various other slutty viking romances. My favorite thing about this book? That neither of them have any idea that some time travel occurred until halfway through the book. Because….you know…vikings just hang out in Hollywood all the time.

#2. Sex, Lies and Leprechauns, Renee Roszel

Okay, so what if Devlin Rafferty was as handsome as the devil, and sexy and charming to boot! Laura Tood was a woman on a mission – to find a missing heir in Ireland. And if that wasn’t reason enough to avoid Devlin, she’d vowed to steer clear of men after having her heart broken…twice. (I have yet to figure out if the leprechaun is the one seducing her or just a kinky addition along the way.)

Honorable Mention: The Last Leprechaun by June Calvin, in which an innocent maiden is seduced by her first cousin.

#3. The Klone and I, Danielle Steel

Hurrah! Divorced Stephanie has finally found the One. (Or the Two?) Her new hunky boyfriend Peter has to leave her for a few weeks while he attends a business conference in Paris, but no problem! He leaves behind a clone of himself created by his clever biotech company, Paul (is Ringo in here too?). As soon as Peter leaves Paul moves in for the kill (he can do a crazy back flip thing in bed that a human guy just can’t compete with). How long can Stephanie rob suspicous Peter to play with flexible Paul? What’s a divorcee to do? Who will she choose, the perfect man or the perfect man?

#4. Make Room For Baby (Harlequin’s Accidental Dads Series), Cathy Gillen Thacker

There’s an entire series dedicated to accidental dads? How romantic.

Hmm. Wonder how they’re going to “make room for baby”?

#5. The Lumberjack’s Lady, Susan Page Davis

In this TCRN (Trashy Christian Romance Novel), Letitia Hunter works in the office of her father’s lumber company, and knows she must fight the feelings the new French lumberjack stirs within her (Ooo-la-la). Even if he did save her from drowning in a frozen lake, her father would never consider him an eligible suitor. Will the Lord reveal a solution to Letitia and Entienne’s dilemma? And will He also reveal which one has the girlier name? Because I can’t decide.

#6. Savage Beloved, Cassie Edwards

There is an entire series of this Dances-With-Wolves nonsense, this time involving Two Eagles, a young warrior, coming to the aid of his Uncle Short Robes, who is held prisoner inside Fort Hope. Enraged at his uncle’s beatings, Two Eagles takes hostage a young woman named Candy (There were women named Candy back then? Historical romances are educational!). Candy swears she tried to help Short Robes, but Two Eagles knows the Pale Faces lie. Alas, he cannot resist his passion for the young maiden. Will Two Eagles ever learn to trust his beloved?

If Sherman Alexie could see this, he’d be pooping kittens.

#7. A Highlander Never Surrenders, Paula Quinn

…but you might surrender to the Highlander.

Honorable mention: A Pirate’s Love, by Johanna Lindsey. Bettina is kidnapped by evil pirate Tristan (how does a pirate named Tristan not get an ass kicking from the other pirates daily?) who rapes and beats her. But that’s okay, because after a while it kind starts to turn her on.

Also, you know what I hate? Sword and sheath metaphors. That crap has gotta stop.

#8. Raising The Stakes (Harlequin Nascar Series), Wendy Etherington

Come on, man. At least take that carburetor out to dinner first.

Evie has always had a crush on Jared–they call him “the engine whisperer”–and now that she’s returned to town, he’s making her hotter than racing fuel all over again. But now Evie’s new job could cost the troubleshooting NASCAR mechanic his job, just as he begins to have feelings for his classy accountant…

Did anyone else hear the sound of an engine revving?

Honorable Mention: In The Groove, by Pamela Britton. Ex-kindergarten teacher Sarah wouldn’t know a hot Nascar racing star if he hit her with his car–and he just did.

#9. Pickup At The Robot Club, D.B. Story

In the dark days after the robot overthowing of society, strict rules of behavior are inflicted on humans and robots alike. Consequently, “illicit assignations exist for any intelligent beings willing to seek them out”. Mostly, this consists of going to underground clubs and getting it on. Based on the cover, maybe some girl-on-girl robot action?!

#10. Discreet Young Gentlemen, M.J. Pearson

I’m not sure there’s a gay man in the WORLD lonely enough to read this novel.

#11. Hotly Bedded, Conveniently Wedded, Kate Hardy

Playboy Alex Richardson has always moved from one woman to the next, but suddenly he needs a legal wife, and he begs his short, curvy friend Isobel to do the job. Isobel has her doubts about his crazy plan…until he shows her how hot they can be together, leaving her begging for more on their supposedly fake wedding night. Nice save! If they weren’t married, this book might be immoral.

#12. Yule Be Mine, Jennifer LeBreque

Having to work Christmas never looked so good!

#13. Passions of the Ghost, Sara Mackenzie

Lord Reynald de Mortimer, a powerful warrior of the thirteenth century, has awakened from a seven hundred year sleep to find that his beloved castle has been turned into a hotel for a renaissance fair. A stunning former con artist comes to his rescue, and after a few “nights set ablaze with passion and magic”, during which he moves things in their hotel room without touching them (how is a guy without a body touching HER?) she comes to believe that he’s really a ghost, and that Lord Reynald needs her help.

#14. The Captain of All Pleasures, Kresley Cole

Really, Sparky? ‘Cause it kind of looks like you’re having enough trouble with that tiny rowboat.

Captain Derek Sutherland’s sizzling kisses leave Nicole longing, but after they share a night of passion, his subsequent disdain makes her blood boil. Nicole vows to take her revenge — by helping her father beat Sutherland in a high-stakes competition: the Great Circle Race from England to Australia. Instead, she winds up prisoner on Donald’s ship, and though her mind tells her she should escape, her body tells her to surrender. (I’m a little confused here. If he thought she was really terrible the first time, why is he seducing her again? I guess it’s a small ship…)

#15. Bucked: Studs In Spurs, Cat Johnson

Mustang Jackson (of COURSE that’s his name) is known for two things: riding bulls and riding women. When an injury takes him out of the ring and back to his hometown to recover, he is forced to resort to making cowboy pornos to pay the rent. Then he catches sight of Sage Beckett, minus the glasses and braces of their childhood, and decides she must be his next buckle bunny–and just maybe he’ll keep this one around. Sage is determined to get over this wild stallion once and for all, but once corralled in his arms, she finds that this filly has been broken. But then (dun-dun-DUNNN) what will happen when she finds out about Mustang’s naughty video career? And can the author keep these terrible cowboy metaphors going without busting a gut laughing? (Apparently so. This is also an entire series.)

#16. Dark Embers, Tessa Adams

Prince Dylan MacLeod is one of the last pure-blood dragon shape- shifters-and ruler of a dying race, the Dragonstar clan. It falls to him to protect his people and their ancient magic. But he has one important duty: to provide an heir…

Like all dragons, Dylan, who has a dark, rampant sexual appetite, can only procreate with his destined mate-for whom he’s searched for the last five hundred years (Dragon singles bars must suck). But his quest is delayed when a disease (AIDS, maybe? The clap? Gonhorrea?) sweeps through the Dragonstars, and Dylan must venture to the human world to find a cure. He tracks down bio-chemist Phoebe Quillum, never imagining the beautiful scientist would be the mate he’s been seeking. But even with the fate of the clan on their shoulders, Phoebe and Dylan are overcome by their sexual desire. Their passion turns to something truer, but when Phoebe is kidnapped by Dylan’s oldest enemy, he must risk everything for his love and his clan…

Before I wrote this blog, I had no idea there were so many imaginary things you could have sex with.

#17. Zombie Moon, Lori Devoti

Yeah. If I was going to kill zombies all day, I’d walk around with my shirt open, too. Good plan.

Caleb has been killing zombies since they killed his family, and his hatred of them rules his life. Samantha is desperate to save her friend (From becoming a zombie? From zombie kidnappings? Shouldn’t these details be important?) when she is swept away by the animal magnetism of the lone wolf zombie hunter she approaches for help. Little does she know that their tryst will be interrupted when the moon waxes full, and Caleb reveals some monstrous secrets of his own…

Please tell me he kills her and eats her. Braaaaaiiiinns….this author had not.

#18. The Viscount Who Loved Me, Julia Quinn

Kate is determined that her sweet sister Edwina (who names their kid Edwina??) be married to someone deserving. Sadly, she is to marry the rakish Viscount Anthony Bridgerton, who has meddled with half the women in town. That is, until he sees the lush mouth and flashing eyes of Kate, and now the viscount has a dilemma. The sweet sister or the sexy one? Kate will play along with his advances to get the attention off of her sister–until she finds herself falling for the handsome rogue. They must decide in a “fast and fateful conclusion, when he and Kate are caught in an innocent but compromising position”. (Are they caught in a haystack or was that just a really bad use of euphemism?) Also, why are there so many sexy viscount stories? What the heck IS a viscount, anyway? Apparently not someone who can afford a shirt with buttons.

#19. The Italian Duke’s Virgin Mistress, Penny Jordan

Dating tip: if your mistress is still a virgin, you’re not trying hard enough, buddy. Maybe she’s virgin like olive oil?

#20. Eternal Pleasure, Nina Bangs

Even if Nina Bangs is her real name, there’s just no excuse. Get a pen name.

Eleven Gods of the Night are incarnated for the first time in 65 million years, summoned to protect humanity from an all-encompassing evil that is coming in 2012, at the end of the Mayan calendar. While currently incarnated as deadly, handsome men, they have the ability to assume their prior forms—those of gigantic dinosaurs. One of them, Ty Endeka, develops a powerful attraction to his taxi driver, Kelly Maloy, with whom he must fight the forces of evil–and of desire.

Save a Brontesaurus. Ride these guys.

#21. In Heat: Mating Call, Felicity Heaton

Having spent the past two years waiting to be in heat again so she can mate with her black panther shape-shifter lover, Erik Blackwell, (I swear I didn’t make this up) Kim is excited about the prospect that she’s ready at last. But there’s one thing that she isn’t ready for…a white tiger shape shifter who also wants to be her lover! Alas, Kim has no control over the pyschic signals she sends them both, nor the kinky visions of what the panther/tiger will do with her. Eric’s jealousy is made worse by the fact that his rival turns out to be Prince Kristian, Crown Prince of Denmark (I’m telling you, this really is the plot!). Panther vs. Tiger–it’s on. Meeeow.

This terrible, terrible book gives new meaning to the term “sex kitten”.

Honorable Mention: This author also wrote Her Dark Angel, in which a woman falls for the sexy Angel of Death. And what an unfortunate ex-boyfriend HE would make.

If all that really didn’t do anything for you (and I REALLY hope it didn’t), here is a lovely tumblr to improve your day:

Hot Guys Reading Books

Hot Guys Reading Books is one of my all-time favorite things about the internet. If you have any pictures of hot redheaded guys reading books, please post them here immediately.

Wicked Vocab of the Day: Moil (mɔɪl) noun: 1. hard work or drudgery. 2. Confusion, turmoil, or trouble. 3. All of the Evil Librarian Supervillain’s favorite things to unleash upon the world.

Minion Assignment: Invite more minions. I can’t laugh at all these books alone.

 

EDIT: When I posted this list upon a hot summer’s day and enjoyed a belly laugh with my (then, about ten) readers, I had no idea how seriously some people would take this blog, nor how much people would read into it things that were never intended to be there. I did not say that romance as a genre is defunct, that the authors of these books are bad people, that I had never read anything in the genre before, that I am an authority on ANYTHING, that you should not read these books, or that I am against them. I did poke fun at them (some of them I think were created deliberately to be poked fun at) for the sake of a good laugh over my lunch hour. If that annoys you, or you don’t do sarcasm, this would probably not be a good blog to follow permanently. (And, I might take anything a nearsighted supervillain says over the internet with a grain of salt.)

A Blonde In The Library

Greetings, Minion bretheren and sisteren! I’m sorry to interrupt your voting on PepsiRefresh.com (that IS what you’re doing right now, right?) but today shall be my last post for awhile. Our celebratory week has come to an end, and now I must get back to creating discord in the universe, and shelving my new additions from Powell’s.com.

Plot #8–The 10 Banned Plan

Today I bring you an evil plot and a book list, all in one! The plan is simple: children are our future, so in order to wreak chaos and havoc in the United States to such a degree that I can begin controlling the masses, all we need to do is corrupt the minds of youth. We will do this by handing all available children works of literature so vile, so dastardly that they have been placed on the List of 100 Most Commonly Banned Books in the US (since 1990, compiled by the American Library Association).

Minion Assignment: First, in order to truly brainwash them, show the children you have assembled this video:

Yes, Lavaar Burton. I CAN go twice as high–once all the children’s minds are filled with evil and their parents are panicking.

Now, minions, all you have to do is hand each child a copy of one of these books:

Ten of the Most Banned and Challenged Children’s Books In The United States

The Light in the Attic, Shel Silverstein

What It Is: A book of silly poems, some rhyming, some not. Illustrations are provided on almost every page.

Why It Was Banned: Widely challenged (esp. in the 1980′s) because the poem “How Not To Have To Dry The Dishes” encourages messiness and disobedience (it’s about a child who smashes the dishes) and “Little Abigail and the Beautiful Pony”, about a child who dies because her parents refuse to buy her a pony (unwholesome content!). Another poem briefly mentions ghosts and devils.

What It Will Do: The child will smash all his/her parent’s china, shouting: “I demand a pony, or I’ll start worshipping Satan!”

Captain Underpants, Dav Pilkey

What It Is: A comic book tale about two friends, George and Harold, who are always up to various shenanigans. They love creating their own comics, much to the chagrin of their principal, mean Mr. Krupp. Just as he almost succeeds in destroying their comics once and for all, Captains Underpants, the boys’ favorite superhero, leaps off the page to save the day for real!

Why It Was Banned: Insensitivity and encouraging children to disobey authority. [Captain Underpants created an even bigger stir at a high school on Long Island that allows Halloween costumes. Three girls put on nude-colored stockings and leotards with a pair of undies on the outside, and a cape, resulting in a schoolwide costume ban. "The appearance," stated their principal, "was that they were naked." ]

What It Will Do: Make the children nudist anarchists. Nothing is scarier than some kids overthrowing the government in their nuddy-pants.

Bridge To Terabithia, Katherine Paterson

What It Is: A coming of age story about a fifth grade boy and girl who live out in a poverty-stricken rural area and become fast friends when the girl moves to town. She is different from the other kids (doesn’t own a television, doesn’t stay on the “girls side of the playground”, reads a lot) and she and the boy invent their own make-believe land out in the woods.

Why It Was Banned: “Profanity, disrespect of adults, and an elaborate fantasy world that might lead to confusion.”

What It Will Do: Befuddle the children. They will see a tree and think, “Oh! A unicorn!”

The Diary of Anne Frank, Anne Frank

What It Is: The actual diary of a Jewish girl put into hiding with her family and several other people during the second world war. She used her diary to record what was happening, her hopes, dreams, et cetera.

Why It Was Banned: Various reasons including Anne’s curiousity about sexual issues, the fact that Anne’s permission was not gotten to publish it (she died in a concentration camp), that Anne dislikes her mother, and for being depressing: in 1983 the Alabama State Textbook Committee removed it because it’s “a real downer”.

What It Will Do: Cause mass suicides.

James and the Giant Peach, Roald Dahl

What It Is: A short book about a young man who decides to escape his horrible aunts via a magically large peach and some magically large bug friends.

Why It Was Banned: Because of the story’s occasional macabre and potentially frightening content.

What It Will Do: Every time the children see fruit, they will be unable to stop screaming.

The Giver, Lois Lowry

What It Is: A science fiction-esque story about a boy in a utopian society where everything is the same because no one has any memories (except one man, the Giver) and anyone different is quietly disposed of.  The boy is horrified to learn that his society gets its peace from euthanasia and suicide, and by the implications of forgetting the past.

Why It Was Banned: Glorifying suicide and euthanasia.

What It Will Do: I’m not really sure. I’m kinda confused…

How To Eat Fried Worms, Thomas Rockwell

What It Is: A boy makes a bet that he can eat 15 worms in 15 days.

Why It Was Banned: For being gross.

What It Will Do: Make little boys grosser and grosser! Wait…maybe it’s too late for that.

A Wrinkle In Time, Madeleine L’Engle

What It Is: Everyone is saying that Meg’s physicist father has run off and left their brilliant scientist mother, that her brother Charles Wallace is stupid (he seldom speaks), and that she cannot control her temper (or her own oddities). Spurred on by these rumors and an unearthly stranger,  Meg and Charles Wallace and their new friend Calvin O’Keefe embark on a perilous quest through space to find their father. In doing so, they must fight an evil power that is darkening the cosmos, one planet at a time.

Why It Was Banned: Vaguely Christian overtones

What It Will Do: Create pious space-travelling monk children. Perfect for helping overthrow the more evil agents of government.

And Tango Makes Three, Peter Parnell and Justin Richardson

What It Is: A picture book based on the true story of two male penguins at the zoo who build a nest together and, after watching all the other penguins hatching eggs, push a rock into their nest and sit on it hopefully. A zookeeper replaces the rock with a real egg, and the penguins hatch a daughter, who they love and cuddle. The three penguins are still at the zoo today!

Why It Was Banned: SHOCKING GAY PENGUINS!!!

What It Will Do: Encourage children to have homosexual relations, eat raw fish and sleep on rocks.

Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret., Judy Blume

What It Is: The story of a girl with one Christian and one Jewish parent, who starts to talk to God about her confusion on which faith she should have, beginning to like boys, whether she should speak up if it means contradicting her friends, and puberty (first bra, menstuation).

Why It Was Banned: Did you not hear me say menstruation?

What It Will Do: Girls will fling bras at people. Also, mild side effects of religious subversion.

Look! All that ammunition to corrupt the minds of youth, and I didn’t even bring out the big guns like Harry Potter and The Adventures of Tom Sawyer.

And if that doesn’t work, show them this. They’ll be humming it for days:

Plots To Dispose of Michelley’s Kittens That Have So Far Failed Or Have Not Yet Been Implemented

Well done, minions! A special congratulations to us for the toppling of the  conglomerate Barnes and Noble. I’ve been plotting against them for years. And yet the library prevails! Now, don’t be spoiled by this posting every day business. Starting next week I’ll only be updating every once in awhile, and you’ll have to entertain yourselves with vaious minion shenanigans.

Also, I apologize for the stickiness of the subscribe button. If you’re not recieving these via email, click again!

Now, for a lovely video:

Doesn’t that make you want to go and bop someone on the head? I thought so.

Also, for your further edification, here is an old list that I will henceforth be expanding upon. (I changed “Elizabeth’s Kitten” to “Michelley’s Kittens”).

Plots To Dispose of Michelley’s Kittens That Have So Far Failed Or Have Not Yet Been Implemented

1. Teach kitten to ice skate. Break all four legs.

2. Teach cat not to jump on table by covering table with butcher knives.

3. Tie kitten to post. Tie other end of kitten to Gollum. Leave ring ten feet away.

4. Duct tape scorpion in kitten’s mouth. Cover kitten in bees. Lock kitten in box. Dare kitten to escape.

5. Give kitten to crazy neighborhood witch. Its brains will make a nice Jello salad.

6. Two words: sling shot.

7. Place cat in mouth of dinosaur bones in museum. Knock over display. First cat ever eaten by a dinosaur.

8. Let kitten play in microwave.

9. Get kitten drunk. Let kitten drive.

10. Shave it. Let it outside in Spokane in winter.

11. Hang sign reading

Duck Season

Rabbit Season

Kitten Season!

12. Throw in Elizabeth’s closet. Kitten will never return.

13. Bake cake. Leave oven open. Kitten will leap on in.

14. Show Princess Bride to kitten. Kitten shows disbelief in R.O.U.S.’s. Kitten gets leapt on and eaten instantly.

15. Get kitten to offend Chuck Norris.

16. Mail kitten to Abu Dhabi like Garfield used to do to Nermal.

17. Volunteer kitten for experimental drugs. Pocket compensation moneys.

18. Leave kitten with homeless man in Brooklyn. Test “Homeward Bound” survival instincts.

19. Disguise kitten as Salman Rushdie. Leave kitten in mosque.

20. Play hide and seek with kitty. Do not seek.

21. Trap kitten in wildebeast stampede.

22. Play William Tell with kitten.

23. Read kitten James Joyce’s Ulysses. Kitten will kill self halfway through just to make it stop.

24. Make kitty into a time capsule. To open in 1,000 years.

25. Teach kitten to swim in kitchen sink. Be persistant!

26. Feed cat to dog in Sandlot.

27. Give kitten magic feather. Teach kitten to fly.

28. Enter kitten in sumo wrestling competition.

29. Cat On A Hot Tin Roof.

30. Send kitten on scenic boat ride through river Styx.

31. See which way toilet flushes with kitten in it.

32. Introduce kitten to Bambi’s mom.

33. Leave kitten in Spokane construction during summer.

34. Stuff kitten in bag of Pirate’s Booty. Kitten will be grabbed and swallowed before anyone realizes what is happening.

35. Teach kitten to smoke. Smoking is cool and will not give you lung cancer.

Wicked Vocab of The Day: Triskaidekaphobia: /tris-ky-dek-uh-FOH-bee-uh\ , noun; Fear or phobia concerning the number 13, especially 13 kittens.

Evil Plot #7

After much ado, plot #7! (Don’t ask about plots #1-6. They’re much too evil and secret for the likes of you.)

Pepsi is giving away egregious amounts of money to the Gulf Coast in an attempt to make people forget how bad Diet Pepsi tastes. People propose ideas, and the one that gets the most attention wins.

Censorship amusement for the day: In an attempt to keep swearing off the comments, Pepsi deletes anything resembling bad language. One cannot write compeTITion, compASSion, or oF THE without part of it being bleeped out. I wrote, “Save the muffins!” and it DELETED THE MUFF IN MUFFIN. Really, Pepsi? REALLY?

The Plan:

1. Wait until you’re bored at work. Then, go to http://www.refresheverything.com/keepthepuyallupfoodbankopen

2. Vote for the Puyallup Food Bank to get a building. Because Pepsi Refresh only requires an email address for you to vote, and does not contact you unless you require it, you can vote using ANYONE’s email. For example, everyone who’s clogged your inbox with porno spam for the last five years. (Suck on THAT, penis peddlers!)

3. Save the emails and password you used in a handy Word document with a name you’ll remember, like “Meanie Porn Freaks”. Also, give your imaginary voters fun names, like “Qwest Horres” and “Seymour Butz”. It’s classier that way.

4. The next day, vote all over again.

5. End result? 20,000 poor people keep their heads above water

The community is inspired

Michelley’s family who work there continue to have something to do

Corinne gets free chocolate muffins.

Minion Assignment: Follow the plan. Repeat.

Chick Lit, Off The Beaten Path

Welcome back, loyal minons! It’s already time for our first evil plot. Oh, and I said I wouldn’t cry…sniff. But first, a book list!

(I apologize for being so female-centric this time…If you are a boy minion, skip straight to Evil Plot #7. Or, embrace your feminine side. Whatever floats your skiff.)

Chick Lit, Off The Beaten Path

It’s summer, and everyone needs something fluffy to read on the beach. But every once in awhile, one grows tired of the same old plot, the same annoying fluffy heroine. Have no fear! Your Evil Librarian Supervillain is here to bring you a few oddities:

Cassandra French’s Finishing School For Boys, Eric Garcia

A very Bridget Jones-like unhappiness surrounds Cassandra French; she has a dead end job, she’s single and not getting any younger, her boss is sleezy, and her loopy mother is under house arrest for telemarketing fraud (not that that stops her from plodding off somewhere her ankle bracelet says she shouldn’t). Does Cassandra cry? Speed date? Go on a diet? No ma’am. She chloroforms a few cheaters, sleezebags and freaks and chains them up in her basement. Everything goes well, until Cassandra accidentally meets a man she doesn’t want to change, ends up with a very conspicuous corpse, and is left in charge of the dreaded….wuzzles?

The Man Who Ate The 747, Ben Sherwood

Rather than a love triangle, here we have a love rectangle. Wally Chubb has been in love with Willa Wyatt since she was the only kid to show up at his birthday party when they were little (Yeah. He was THAT kid)–and he’s done everything to try and get her attention, including stabbing himself with an arrow on Valentine’s Day and shouting that Cupid got him (she pretended not to notice, and he ended up in the ER). When a 747 crash lands in his cornfield, Wally knows just what he’ll do to win his lady love. With the help of his dog, Arf, and his loyal and caring neighbor Rose, Wally begins to grind up the plane and eat it bit by bit. Unfortunately, Wally’s stunt makes a world record, bringing to town a Book of World Records recorder who believes in facts, not love–until he sees Willa Wyatt. Who should end up with who is obvious. How they get there is pretty ridiculous.

Gonzalez and Daughter Trucking Co.: A Road Novel With Literary License, Maria Emparo Escandon

Libertad Gonzalez tells her fellow inmates in a Mexican women’s prison a tale of love and Romeo and Juliet style separation. It soon becomes obvious that the story is her own, a tale of a fugitive father who only has his daughter left and his refusal to let her go, even to be with the love of her life. Soon a wealthy inmate has arranged to have the yard transformed into a beachfront, and all that is missing from this telenovela style story is the margaritas. Still we wonder: what landed Libertad in a Mexican prison? And will she ever find her man again?

The Eyre Affair, Jasper Fforde

I can’t recommend this book highly enough. Thursday Next lives in a surreal, alternate-dimension version of modern day London (dodos have been cloned back from extinction and are the pet of choice), where literature rules the day. Militant Baconians crash Shakespeare performances, plagiarizing Byron will land you in jail, and young surrealists are gunned down by radical French impressionists on the evening news. Thursday is a Special Operative in literary detection with a special ability: as a child she found she had the ability to travel inside a book, specifically her favorite book, Jane Eyre. Now she must do it again to prevent a literary homicide, with lots of bibliowit, vampire janitors, time travelling relatives, dodos, puns, and of course, the one who got away…

Patty Jane’s House of Curl, Lorna Landvik

Of course, we have to have something from the South. When Patty Jane’s husband Thor (yes, I said Thor) disappears, leaving her pregnant and abandoned, Patty Jane assembles her sister, Harriet (who is being wooed by a naaive millionaire), her mother-in-law, Ione (who considers any expression stronger than “Uffda mayda!” swearing) and opens up a beauty parlor specializing in Norwegian goods and permanent waves. We follow their makeshift family throughout the years, in what my 11th grade English teacher called “the quintessential chick book.”

Lost In Austen, Emma Campbell Webster

This book is basically a Jane Austen Choose Your Own Adventure (remember those?). You can flip through on your own or play for points. The only thing I dislike about this one is that you lose points for making decisions that are “too smart”. I don’t know what Jane Austen you were reading, Emma Campbell Webster, but Jane Austen’s heroines were far from stupid.

The Nanny Diaries, Emma McLaughlin & Nicola Kraus

Here’s one you’ve probably already read, or at least heard of–but I had to include it because not only is it original, it’s hilarious. ESPECIALLY if you’ve ever been in childcare.

The Secret Life of Bees, Sue Monk Kidd

Also one that hit the bestseller lists, but worth the hype in my humble, evil opinion. Lily Owens has been forced to live with her horrible father since the accident that killed her mother when she was a small child, but after a confrontation with some local racists, she and her housekeeper Rosaleen flee their small town for the place her mother grew up in search of some connection with her. What they find is a close-knit family of beekeeping sisters, secrets, romance, a tragedy, honey and some healing.

The Literary Villainy Begins

At last, I have been accepted into an accredited library institution and begun my journey toward being accepted into the League of Evil Librarians. ::evil chuckle:: I am SO excited. True, I am but a novice superlibrary villain who hasn’t even earned her bun yet, but now is your chance to get in on the ground floor of my group of loyal minions. If you are interested (how could you not be?) please click on the subscribe button when you leave me a comment, and be on the lookout for your Minion Assignments.

In celebration of this,  the start of my momentous blog, I shall add extra posts all week long full of my favorite evil/literary links. Such as this one:

Or this one:

Also, under NO circumstances should you read this book. I don’t know how this “Brandon Sanderson” fellow found out about us (IF that’s his real name), but his book is full of propaganda and lies. Everyone knows that dinosaurs with British accents are, for the most part, our allies.

Slanderous Libel

Wicked Vocab of the Day: Perfidious [per-fid-ee-uhs] deliberately faithless; treacherous; deceitful: a perfidious kitten.

Minion Assignmnet: Read all my posts in your head with a diabolical and vaguely slavic accent.