For you, my minions, I have compiled a list of the most hilariously bad bodice rippers of all time. Confession: unlike my other lists, I have not read these. (The library didn’t have Sex, Lies and Leprechauns, okay? I would have complained but I wasn’t sure I could look the librarian in the eye.) However, I did check to make sure they’re all legit. These are existing books, not modified for anyone’s amusement–it wasn’t needed.
In no particular order:
#1. The Very Virile Viking, Sandra Hill
This is a classic of the terrible smut genre. Magnus Ericsson and his ten children by various wenches (okay, nine, one got left behind) have accidentally time travelled from their Viking village into modern-day Hollywood. Magnus immediately falls for a winemaker named Angela and they hunker down in some bed furs for some good ol’ viking ploughing. Oh, look, there are ten children again. He also finds his long missing brothers, who apparently also time travelled and star in various other slutty viking romances. My favorite thing about this book? That neither of them have any idea that some time travel occurred until halfway through the book. Because….you know…vikings just hang out in Hollywood all the time.
#2. Sex, Lies and Leprechauns, Renee Roszel
Okay, so what if Devlin Rafferty was as handsome as the devil, and sexy and charming to boot! Laura Tood was a woman on a mission – to find a missing heir in Ireland. And if that wasn’t reason enough to avoid Devlin, she’d vowed to steer clear of men after having her heart broken…twice. (I have yet to figure out if the leprechaun is the one seducing her or just a kinky addition along the way.)
Honorable Mention: The Last Leprechaun by June Calvin, in which an innocent maiden is seduced by her first cousin.
#3. The Klone and I, Danielle Steel
Hurrah! Divorced Stephanie has finally found the One. (Or the Two?) Her new hunky boyfriend Peter has to leave her for a few weeks while he attends a business conference in Paris, but no problem! He leaves behind a clone of himself created by his clever biotech company, Paul (is Ringo in here too?). As soon as Peter leaves Paul moves in for the kill (he can do a crazy back flip thing in bed that a human guy just can’t compete with). How long can Stephanie rob suspicous Peter to play with flexible Paul? What’s a divorcee to do? Who will she choose, the perfect man or the perfect man?
#4. Make Room For Baby (Harlequin’s Accidental Dads Series), Cathy Gillen Thacker
There’s an entire series dedicated to accidental dads? How romantic.
Hmm. Wonder how they’re going to “make room for baby”?
#5. The Lumberjack’s Lady, Susan Page Davis
In this TCRN (Trashy Christian Romance Novel), Letitia Hunter works in the office of her father’s lumber company, and knows she must fight the feelings the new French lumberjack stirs within her (Ooo-la-la). Even if he did save her from drowning in a frozen lake, her father would never consider him an eligible suitor. Will the Lord reveal a solution to Letitia and Entienne’s dilemma? And will He also reveal which one has the girlier name? Because I can’t decide.
#6. Savage Beloved, Cassie Edwards
There is an entire series of this Dances-With-Wolves nonsense, this time involving Two Eagles, a young warrior, coming to the aid of his Uncle Short Robes, who is held prisoner inside Fort Hope. Enraged at his uncle’s beatings, Two Eagles takes hostage a young woman named Candy (There were women named Candy back then? Historical romances are educational!). Candy swears she tried to help Short Robes, but Two Eagles knows the Pale Faces lie. Alas, he cannot resist his passion for the young maiden. Will Two Eagles ever learn to trust his beloved?
If Sherman Alexie could see this, he’d be pooping kittens.
#7. A Highlander Never Surrenders, Paula Quinn
…but you might surrender to the Highlander.
Honorable mention: A Pirate’s Love, by Johanna Lindsey. Bettina is kidnapped by evil pirate Tristan (how does a pirate named Tristan not get an ass kicking from the other pirates daily?) who rapes and beats her. But that’s okay, because after a while it kind starts to turn her on.
Also, you know what I hate? Sword and sheath metaphors. That crap has gotta stop.
#8. Raising The Stakes (Harlequin Nascar Series), Wendy Etherington
Come on, man. At least take that carburetor out to dinner first.
Evie has always had a crush on Jared–they call him “the engine whisperer”–and now that she’s returned to town, he’s making her hotter than racing fuel all over again. But now Evie’s new job could cost the troubleshooting NASCAR mechanic his job, just as he begins to have feelings for his classy accountant…
Did anyone else hear the sound of an engine revving?
Honorable Mention: In The Groove, by Pamela Britton. Ex-kindergarten teacher Sarah wouldn’t know a hot Nascar racing star if he hit her with his car–and he just did.
#9. Pickup At The Robot Club, D.B. Story
In the dark days after the robot overthowing of society, strict rules of behavior are inflicted on humans and robots alike. Consequently, “illicit assignations exist for any intelligent beings willing to seek them out”. Mostly, this consists of going to underground clubs and getting it on. Based on the cover, maybe some girl-on-girl robot action?!
#10. Discreet Young Gentlemen, M.J. Pearson
I’m not sure there’s a gay man in the WORLD lonely enough to read this novel.
#11. Hotly Bedded, Conveniently Wedded, Kate Hardy
Playboy Alex Richardson has always moved from one woman to the next, but suddenly he needs a legal wife, and he begs his short, curvy friend Isobel to do the job. Isobel has her doubts about his crazy plan…until he shows her how hot they can be together, leaving her begging for more on their supposedly fake wedding night. Nice save! If they weren’t married, this book might be immoral.
#12. Yule Be Mine, Jennifer LeBreque
Having to work Christmas never looked so good!
#13. Passions of the Ghost, Sara Mackenzie
Lord Reynald de Mortimer, a powerful warrior of the thirteenth century, has awakened from a seven hundred year sleep to find that his beloved castle has been turned into a hotel for a renaissance fair. A stunning former con artist comes to his rescue, and after a few “nights set ablaze with passion and magic”, during which he moves things in their hotel room without touching them (how is a guy without a body touching HER?) she comes to believe that he’s really a ghost, and that Lord Reynald needs her help.
#14. The Captain of All Pleasures, Kresley Cole
Really, Sparky? ‘Cause it kind of looks like you’re having enough trouble with that tiny rowboat.
Captain Derek Sutherland’s sizzling kisses leave Nicole longing, but after they share a night of passion, his subsequent disdain makes her blood boil. Nicole vows to take her revenge — by helping her father beat Sutherland in a high-stakes competition: the Great Circle Race from England to Australia. Instead, she winds up prisoner on Donald’s ship, and though her mind tells her she should escape, her body tells her to surrender. (I’m a little confused here. If he thought she was really terrible the first time, why is he seducing her again? I guess it’s a small ship…)
#15. Bucked: Studs In Spurs, Cat Johnson
Mustang Jackson (of COURSE that’s his name) is known for two things: riding bulls and riding women. When an injury takes him out of the ring and back to his hometown to recover, he is forced to resort to making cowboy pornos to pay the rent. Then he catches sight of Sage Beckett, minus the glasses and braces of their childhood, and decides she must be his next buckle bunny–and just maybe he’ll keep this one around. Sage is determined to get over this wild stallion once and for all, but once corralled in his arms, she finds that this filly has been broken. But then (dun-dun-DUNNN) what will happen when she finds out about Mustang’s naughty video career? And can the author keep these terrible cowboy metaphors going without busting a gut laughing? (Apparently so. This is also an entire series.)
#16. Dark Embers, Tessa Adams
Prince Dylan MacLeod is one of the last pure-blood dragon shape- shifters-and ruler of a dying race, the Dragonstar clan. It falls to him to protect his people and their ancient magic. But he has one important duty: to provide an heir…
Like all dragons, Dylan, who has a dark, rampant sexual appetite, can only procreate with his destined mate-for whom he’s searched for the last five hundred years (Dragon singles bars must suck). But his quest is delayed when a disease (AIDS, maybe? The clap? Gonhorrea?) sweeps through the Dragonstars, and Dylan must venture to the human world to find a cure. He tracks down bio-chemist Phoebe Quillum, never imagining the beautiful scientist would be the mate he’s been seeking. But even with the fate of the clan on their shoulders, Phoebe and Dylan are overcome by their sexual desire. Their passion turns to something truer, but when Phoebe is kidnapped by Dylan’s oldest enemy, he must risk everything for his love and his clan…
Before I wrote this blog, I had no idea there were so many imaginary things you could have sex with.
#17. Zombie Moon, Lori Devoti
Yeah. If I was going to kill zombies all day, I’d walk around with my shirt open, too. Good plan.
Caleb has been killing zombies since they killed his family, and his hatred of them rules his life. Samantha is desperate to save her friend (From becoming a zombie? From zombie kidnappings? Shouldn’t these details be important?) when she is swept away by the animal magnetism of the lone wolf zombie hunter she approaches for help. Little does she know that their tryst will be interrupted when the moon waxes full, and Caleb reveals some monstrous secrets of his own…
Please tell me he kills her and eats her. Braaaaaiiiinns….this author had not.
#18. The Viscount Who Loved Me, Julia Quinn
Kate is determined that her sweet sister Edwina (who names their kid Edwina??) be married to someone deserving. Sadly, she is to marry the rakish Viscount Anthony Bridgerton, who has meddled with half the women in town. That is, until he sees the lush mouth and flashing eyes of Kate, and now the viscount has a dilemma. The sweet sister or the sexy one? Kate will play along with his advances to get the attention off of her sister–until she finds herself falling for the handsome rogue. They must decide in a “fast and fateful conclusion, when he and Kate are caught in an innocent but compromising position”. (Are they caught in a haystack or was that just a really bad use of euphemism?) Also, why are there so many sexy viscount stories? What the heck IS a viscount, anyway? Apparently not someone who can afford a shirt with buttons.
#19. The Italian Duke’s Virgin Mistress, Penny Jordan
Dating tip: if your mistress is still a virgin, you’re not trying hard enough, buddy. Maybe she’s virgin like olive oil?
#20. Eternal Pleasure, Nina Bangs
Even if Nina Bangs is her real name, there’s just no excuse. Get a pen name.
Eleven Gods of the Night are incarnated for the first time in 65 million years, summoned to protect humanity from an all-encompassing evil that is coming in 2012, at the end of the Mayan calendar. While currently incarnated as deadly, handsome men, they have the ability to assume their prior forms—those of gigantic dinosaurs. One of them, Ty Endeka, develops a powerful attraction to his taxi driver, Kelly Maloy, with whom he must fight the forces of evil–and of desire.
Save a Brontesaurus. Ride these guys.
#21. In Heat: Mating Call, Felicity Heaton
Having spent the past two years waiting to be in heat again so she can mate with her black panther shape-shifter lover, Erik Blackwell, (I swear I didn’t make this up) Kim is excited about the prospect that she’s ready at last. But there’s one thing that she isn’t ready for…a white tiger shape shifter who also wants to be her lover! Alas, Kim has no control over the pyschic signals she sends them both, nor the kinky visions of what the panther/tiger will do with her. Eric’s jealousy is made worse by the fact that his rival turns out to be Prince Kristian, Crown Prince of Denmark (I’m telling you, this really is the plot!). Panther vs. Tiger–it’s on. Meeeow.
This terrible, terrible book gives new meaning to the term “sex kitten”.
Honorable Mention: This author also wrote Her Dark Angel, in which a woman falls for the sexy Angel of Death. And what an unfortunate ex-boyfriend HE would make.
If all that really didn’t do anything for you (and I REALLY hope it didn’t), here is a lovely tumblr to improve your day:
Hot Guys Reading Books is one of my all-time favorite things about the internet. If you have any pictures of hot redheaded guys reading books, please post them here immediately.
Wicked Vocab of the Day: Moil (mɔɪl) noun: 1. hard work or drudgery. 2. Confusion, turmoil, or trouble. 3. All of the Evil Librarian Supervillain’s favorite things to unleash upon the world.
Minion Assignment: Invite more minions. I can’t laugh at all these books alone.
EDIT: When I posted this list upon a hot summer’s day and enjoyed a belly laugh with my (then, about ten) readers, I had no idea how seriously some people would take this blog, nor how much people would read into it things that were never intended to be there. I did not say that romance as a genre is defunct, that the authors of these books are bad people, that I had never read anything in the genre before, that I am an authority on ANYTHING, that you should not read these books, or that I am against them. I did poke fun at them (some of them I think were created deliberately to be poked fun at) for the sake of a good laugh over my lunch hour. If that annoys you, or you don’t do sarcasm, this would probably not be a good blog to follow permanently. (And, I might take anything a nearsighted supervillain says over the internet with a grain of salt.)
Additional honorable mention: Nauti Boys series by Lora Leigh (Nauti Dreams, Nauti Nights, Nauti Deceptions, ect.). They’re all Marines–Nautical, Nauti, get it?
Description from first book:
Too weak to resist young Kelly Benton’s attempts at seduction, Rowdy Mackay left home eight years ago. (Must not have sex….must do push-ups instead). Duty as a U.S. Marine put a safe distance between temptation and the nubile Kentucky vixen. Now he’s back home and ready to engage in the kind of erotic games that have earned him and his two cousins a Nauti-boy reputation in three counties (I’m perturbed; why is collecting STDs okay in other countries, but something to be resisted in ours? This is America, Marine! Be proud of it!).
Once it was Kelly’s dream too-to feel the heat of the boy she desired. But an attack from a stalker still on the prowl has left Kelly terrified of a man’s touch. Now as fear and desire converge, Rowdy fights to save her from the deadly threats of a stranger, to rid her of her demons, and to satisfy a hunger more powerful than either can imagine.
The New York Times calls it “blisteringly sexual”. That could be, because I’m kind of in pain.
Love the titles, love the covers and love the commentary! Thanks evillibrariansupervillain! your blog is a new favourite!
I love this post. So much.
Here’s another honorable mention:
Phyllida and the brotherhood of philander: a bisexual regency romance. “Andrew Carrington is the ideal Regency gentleman: heir to an earldom, wealthy, handsome, athletic–and gay. When he decides to follow his duty, he wants marriage on his terms. But in the penniless, spirited, and curvaceous Phyllida Lewis, he gets more than he bargained for.”
Some people loved it, others hated it.
I love this love this love this! I thought that my collection of REALLY BAD ROMANCE NOVELS (collected for the titles and/or back covers) had covered the worst romance novels I had ever heard of or seen, but this is a real corker of a list! Thank you!
The “innocent but compromising situation” in The Viscount Who Loved Me is hilariously stupid. The heroine gets stung by a bee on her boob, and the hero rips her dress off to suck the venom out. In public, in the midst of a crowd. In his defense, his father had been killed by a beesting so I guess he was out for revenge on all beestings.
Best. Plot. Premise. EVER.
Hilarious! Some sick part of me sort of wants to find some of these books and read them. Out loud. To people who can’t run away.
You might just be the supervillain my inner minion has been waiting for
Welcome, new minion! Several romance lovers have made a project of reading everything on this list and telling me which is the worst. Feel free!
While I have to admit the majority of these are a complete joke, I actually have read three of the books on here and as stupid as the back sounds and the cover looks, they are actually pretty good. The Julia Quinn and the Kresley Cole especially. Lord knows I’ve seen things way worse in the Walmart book aisle. My personal favorite worst book would have to be The Playboy Sheikh’s Virgin Stable-Girl by Sharon Kendrick…how do you beat a winner like that??
WOW! That is a doozy! Thanks for sharing!
So this one time, my friend and I were stuck at the mall waiting for a bus, so we decided to pick the worst-sounding romance novel we could find and dramatically read it on the ride back. We picked up The Playboy Sheikh’s Virgin Stable-Girl. It was a gem, to say the least (just a taste, an actual line: “His ebony eyes glittered like ebony…”). Anyway, I just found this list and sent it to her, and she said she was sad Playboy Sheikh didn’t make the list, so booklover, thank you for making my day for commenting on it! =D
This is amazing. I can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard; thank you, thank you for this.
Hate to break it to ya… but those guyxguy stories… aren’t marketed towards gay men. Lols. The intending audience is usually female. (Like the movie Brokeback Mountain here in America and the “boys love” genre in Japan).
LOL I did not for a MINUTE think that this was actually marketed toward gay men…it just pretends to be.
Oh and yes, these books really ARE ridiculous xD
The black panther one sounds silly, and yet who knows… it might actually work. o_O Have you read it? I’m curious. Lol.
There are a lot of really good urban fantasy romance novels floating around…
But I really doubt any of them are in this list. Hehe.
You wouldn’t happen to have a list of GOOD romance novels, would you?
I actually have a list of ones I enjoyed somewhere, but it will probably not be posted for some time, as I’m at work on other projects. I didn’t read the cat novel–have you? What did you think?
Not only does Harlequin have an accidental dad series, it has a TOP SECRET BABIES series. I found this book http://www.amazon.com/Claiming-Family-Secret-Harlequin-Intrigue/dp/0373227027/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1283610286&sr=1-5
in the bathroom of Baltimore’s diviest dive bar one night seven years ago and it prompted me and four of my friends to start the awesomest book club ever.
That’s delightful! Thank you so much for sharing!
Rib-crackingly funny. Almost peed my pants at these authors hilariosity. That gay novel takes the cherry
Wish you had a facebook link at the end of the post ’cause i would love to share this!!!!!!!!1
“Before I wrote this blog, I had no idea there were so many imaginary things you could have sex with.”
I just choked on my coffee. Hilarious list.
Lori Devoti has actually written some awesome feminist urban fantasy. Amazon Ink and Amazon Queen, they are both well written, engaging and well reviewed.
If you want to be a full time writer, crappy romances are a easy way to pay the bills.
Give the fantasy a try, you might like them
When my pal sent me this list, she urged it for hilarity (bonus on the YouTube!). Upon reading the title, I was nervous I’d have to cop to having read at least one of these. Happily, they were all new and, as promised, hilarious. Brava!
Seriously? You wrote up a list of “21 Of The Most Ridiculous Romance Novels…EVER” and put Julia Quinn on it? Did you just pick up 21 random romance novels at the used book store, take pictures of them, and then make fun of whatever was on the covers? Because she’s actually really good. As in the plots make some sort of sense, the characters act like real people, and the books are really funny. There are so many romances that are way more ridiculous. Lots. I own many of them, some purely for the covers. I.e. “Barbarian King, Virgin Slave,” or the one where the man’s pants appear to be glowing, or the 1970 Harlequin where a minor character tries to date rape the heroine, but later apologizes, explaining that he was just drunk and lonely, and she assures him they can still be friends. Either actually read the romance novels, or leave making fun of them people who do, like http://www.smartbitchestrashybooks.com/ They do a much better job, because they actually have a clue about the genre.
In what book do men’s pants appear to be glowing? I have to know!
Harlequin titles are a constant source of joy to me. And yes, there are seemingly endless category romance lines devoted to unexpected babies–found, adopted, or conceived.
My favorite are the Harlequin Presents titles…the entire plot of the book is right there in the title, saving you the need to actually read it! “Bedded and Wedded for Revenge”, “The Italian Magnate’s Virgin Mistress”, etc.
I do have to defend Julia Quinn, though. She’s one of the few romance authors I can safely recommend to non-romance fans. And a viscount is better than a baronet but not as good as an earl.
Why is an Earl better? I’m intrigued.
Nooooooooo, i can’t stop laughing. Brilliant!
Funny list. I still can’t quite believe the Sex, Lies and Little People.
I presume The Viscount Who Loved is just part of a series. The Duke Who Loved me, The Baron Who…, The Baronet…, The Lord Lieutenant, etc, etc.
Love it, love everything about it
This is probably the best. blog post. ever.
I laughed so hard I cried.
I went through a phase where I read TONS of romance novels, most of them were terrible. Cassie Edwards is something of a joke in the genre, her characters are usually very offensive (poorly drawn racist stereotypes that belong in the 1940s) and her editor tends to miss some very obvious things (horses that change colors and genders fromt he time the rider gets on, to the time they get off!)
However, Julia Quinn’s The Viscount Who Loved Me is probably one of my favorite fo all time. It’s really very good. Often funny and very sweet without being cloying, purple or smug (a major problem of the genre). I always recomend it to people who want to start reading romance novels.
Anyway, just two cents from someone who is very familiar with the genre, as well as other more mainstream literature.
Thanks for the input!
You want some brilliant cover snark? Go here: http://www.smartbitchestrashybooks.com/index.php/weblog/comments/cover-snark-wayback-retro-edition/
I’m not even go to call you on putting down the romance genre. But I’d suggest you read one or two to see what’s happening in the genre today.
I was laughing hysterically until I got to 18. Julia Quinn is a totally great romance author (you know, as romance authors go), and The Viscount Who Loved Me, despite the ridiculous name, is sweet and hilarious. I own it, and I swear, I have great taste in books.
Duly noted!
okay, you’re a kind of brilliant i haven’t seen in a long time. hurrah for literary humor! i’m sending your blog to a librarian friend who will so enjoy your writing style. nicely done!
Okay, as a lover of romance novels, I admit that there are many, many terrible ones. But shouldn’t this list be ridiculous titles and plot-synapses? Some of the really awful ones are hidden behind reasonable titles, and some of the crazy-sounding ones are good. Maybe I’m just reacting badly because Julia Quinn is one of my favorite romance writers. I feel pretty confident that I would enjoy reading any romance she has out. Now, the title “The Viscount Who Loved Me” is perhaps not something that would inspire, but I don’t remember ever having wanted to kill one of her female protagonists, which can be problematic when you are an avid romance reader. Also, her plots don’t all start and end with people running through the woods. I’m just sayin…
It was the title that had me laughing–I don’t know who is responsible for it, but it entertained me! Devotion to Julia Quinn noted.
I dunno, that #13 ghost one seemed kinda hot. Sort of like The Ghost and Mrs Muir for the 21st Century. I’d be pissed, too, if my castle was turned into a site for a Renaissance Fair even if they did leave the “e” off the end of Faire.
You’ve never read a romance novel, but you’re going to slam an entire genre because you don’t like the covers. Well, gosh: I know your opinion’s credible.
First of all, the term “bodice rippers” went out with the Betamax. You might want to update.
It would seem to me that a librarian would be grateful that people choose to read anything at all when over 30% of Americans didn’t pick up a book last year. If you opened Julia Quinn’s “The Viscount Who Loved Me” and read a few pages, for instance, you might enjoy it. People read genre fiction (and specifically, romance,) because they enjoy the story, the interaction of characters, and a happy ending.
There’s a reason why one in three books sold in the US is a romance novel. Our readers want an escape from their daily lives, and that’s not a bad thing. News flash: Most people aren’t sitting around reading Proust for enjoyment. While Mr. Proust was a marvelous author, I can safely say he’s been outsold by Jane Austen and Charlotte Bronte, the pioneers of the modern romance novel.
So, Evil Librarian, I challenge you: Pick up one of the following. Read thirty pages. If you really want to offer an informed opinion, you might want to experience the genre through the following.
Lord of Scoundrels, Loretta Chase
Bet Me, Jennifer Crusie
The Duke and I, Julia Quinn (The Viscount that Loved Me would be fine as well)
Anything written by Nora Roberts or JD Robb
I’ll look forward to a follow-up blog post about your experiences.
I actually did read the first thirty to fifty pages of several items on the 21 list (the rest were unavailable due to shortage of copies in my area or being out of print). I have read many romances before, and I did not intend to slam the entire genre–just a sub-genre of ridiculousness, many of which propbably sell so well because of their outrageousness! Again, the blog is meant in fun, for a good laugh.
Umm, if you’ve never read these, how do you know they’re the most ridiculous, ever? Or are you only talking about the covers and the cover copy?
OK, look I have read #18 and it’s from a pretty well-written and tounge-in-cheek series, so give that one a pass. He WAS a darn sexy Viscount! The rest of this list? phew! I enjoy inventive romance novels but I have hit my limit with the werewolves, vampires, ghosts, Fairie, gargoyles, demons, interstellar studs and time-travelling rogues. I want to read one where the hero is a plumber.
Maybe you should write one!
Not very impressed with the “Librarian”. Making fun of people’s names is childish, right up there with doing book reports based on the covers instead of reading the book and THEN writing about them.
I’d like to see you read the books you are posting about, then feel free to comment on them. It is especially bait and switch when you list a item as outrageous, then refer entirely to the plot of another book, aka item #7 on your list. Couldn’t even get a plot summary off Amazon.com of the book you selected?
Romance readers could probably come up with a funny list of ridiculous books that managed to get published. This list only proves how ridiculous the author of the website is. Many of the books listed are entertaining, not ridiculous, some are meant to be funny.
If you want to read about ordinary people, living mundane, boring lives, you won’t be picking out some of these books. Boring books are less likely to get published, but if you try harder, maybe you can find some of THOSE and help spread the word to other narrow minded folks.
Honey, this is the best you could manage in terms of commentary? This is your sense of humor? Seriously, this says a lot more about you than it does about the books, the authors, or the genre for which you express such disdain.
The only one of these I’ve read is #18 (“The Viscount Who Loved Me”)….it’s not nearly as bad as the cover would make it out to be. I work in a university library so we don’t see a ton of bodice rippers, but we occasionally get them via ILL and most are totally hilarious! The ones that always kill me have the titles like #19′s, but we’ve been getting a bunch with Native American themes (noble savages, I guess) and I swear that the hero on the cover is THE SAME GUY EVERY TIME. Is there seriously only one Native American male model willing to pose for romance novel covers? Actually, I think I may have just answered my own question.
This is completely amazing.
This might be more amusing if you’d actually read some of the books. Or did you? This column says, “I have not read these,” but your Facebook entry said you had read a few. Which is it?
Why is Julia Quinn’s book on this list? Have you ever read JQ? I can only recall one of her books that was a complete dud, and many of her titles appear on my “keeper” shelves. If you haven’t read her, you might try one of her books. This Bridgerton series is an excellent starting point; recommended.
Do you merely dislike romance books (which are only called “bodice rippers” by the woefully uniformed) as an entire genre? Or do you merely deem romance an easy target?
Seems to me that a few subsets of the romance genre are due for a little—or even a lot of—rolling of the eyes, but do try to figure out which truly are before you start making random lists.
I read bits and pieces of some of these (most of the ones I found were too unpleasant for me to get all the way through), but many I couldn’t find because they are out of print or not available in the public library. I did read the beginning of one Julia Quinn, and didn’t care for it, though neither can I say it was awful–it just wasn’t my cup of tea. The one on there is mainly due to the title and the cover illustration, and not intended to diss on Julia Quinn herself.
Some romances are bodice rippers, and some are not. Some of the ones that are not I tend to enjoy very much.
Nice list…but I’ll see you some archives:
http://www.bscreview.com/tag/the-bodice-rippeth/
Cheers!
Re: A highlander never surrenders:-
1. What is that modern tartan?!!? Ick!
2. Scottish blokes are generally too sensible to wander around the highlands shirtless. a)climate b)MIDGES!!
3. What’s with the blade at his hip? It’s too short to be a sword and too big for a schian dhu!
So did you like any? Please don’t tell me you liked Bridges of Madison County…
It would be one thing if the recent entry on romance novels was funny, but it isn’t. That’s probably the most damning feature. Kind of like Dane Cook. If I want laugh-out-loud humor about romance novels, “Smart Bitches, Trashy Books” is the place to go. Hey, baby, I’m an archivist (MLIS)– you don’t know about the Smart Bitches? You know how the internet works don’t you? That said, I am feminist-English literature MA-Virginia Woolf is my favorite novelist-romance-reading-woman-in-love. Get with the program!
LOL, someone put in a request for Hotly Bedded, Conveniently Wedded at my library the other day.
I’ve worked at libraries and bookstores for just about as long as I’ve been able to work, and I never get tired of reading romance novel titles.
It is a great way to entertain yourself when you run out of things to do!
Julia Quinn’s The Viscount Who Loved Me really doesn’t belong here. She’s super-smart and an great writer, her books are funny and romantic but not trashy. I bet her publisher gave the book its admittedly silly title.
It’s really the title that put it there. I don’t think I’ve damaged her readership, though–several people said they were going to read it just because it was on here.
As a fellow librarian, I have to say “shame on you” for posting this. Not all romances are horrible. Trust me, I’ve been an avid reader of them for a long, long time. I am not saying all of them are spectacular either. As with every genre, there are good ones and there are bad ones.
I do agree with one or two on your list because I actually READ them, but Julia Quinn? Are you nuts? She is perhaps one of the best historical romance writers out there. Plus, she’s extremely smart. She even won a TV game show called “The Weakest Link.”
Of all the people to know not to judge a genre, it should be a librarian. It is librarians like you who give the rest of us a bad name.
I’m all for snark, but you took snark and made it just mean. Want good snark? Try smartbitchestrashybooks.com. Then again, you might want to avoid it since they have alot to say about your post that you won’t like.
The intent was not to dismiss all romances, just some that I found where something went terribly wrong somewhere along the line. There are a lot of good romance stories out there. The blog was meant in fun, and I’m sorry if it appeared more judgemental than I intended.
I dare you to actually read Julia Quinn before you poke fun at her; she writes wonderful historicals. As for the rest of the list- meh. I read Johanna Lindsay ages ago and that book is trash. But the other titles? Some of those stories sound utterly bizarre. I halfway thought you were making them up, until I hit Julia Quinn. She doesn’t belong there. TVWLM is an excellent book, a fine example of well-written story, with strong characterizations, and memorable dialogue.
Loved this and had great fun reading the descriptions to my husband! To answer your question: A viscount is a nobleman in the peerage who is lower than an earl but higher than a baron. In the English/British peerage, it’s often given as a courtesy title to the son of a nobleman. For example, the son of Charles, Earl Spencer (Princess Diana’s brother) is titled Viscount Linley.
This has been your useless fact moment of the day, but I flatter myself that at least it was better reading than these trashy books?
I must say that I am disappointed. You purport that one of the nemeses you face is ignorance, yet you have just dismissed an entire genre of literature with loaded, pejorative terms like “smut” and “trash.”
Without even having READ any of them?
Wow. That would be like me saying that all chick-lit is pretentious, whiny complaining about shoes and dates. Which is why I don’t say it. Because I don’t know the genre well enough, and I don’t want to come across as an ignorant boob.
Do some of these books suck rocks? Most likely. I haven’t read most of them. I have, however, read one of them, and other books by a couple of the other authors as well. A couple are really awesome, and some merely adequate. None of the ones I read were awful, however. And, I defy you to find me any genre which has only quality literature within its confines.
Do the covers of romance novels often suck rocks? Most definitely. But (as I’m sure you are aware), authors almost never get any say in either the cover art, or even the titles for their books. So really, snark away at the covers–at the Smart Bitches website, even the authors get in on that action sometimes.
You may wish to visit http://www.smartbitchestrashybooks.com, and read the comments there that this post has incited. I’m sure that the bitchery would be happy to suggest some elegantly-crafted, well-written “smut” to aid you in your fight against ignorance.
Kat
Again, the blog was meant in fun, and I was not trying to dismiss an entire genre, merely some things that appear to be really, really bizarre.
Thank you! In general, Cassie Edwards portrayal of Native Americans reads like a racist’s guide to stereotypes. I don’t understand why she continues to sell books.
I think she continues to sell books because many people have no idea how offensive the portrayals really are. As a Native American woman who fights these stereotypes every day (and is pooh poohed and told I don’t know what I’m talking about and that I cannot possibly be offended)I can tell you that most people DON’T know that the words squaw, brave and papoose are wrong to use. Most don’t know that there are over 500 Native American nations (and this is just in the US) with differing customs, traditions and traditional clothing styles (or that our clothing is NEVER a “costume” to us. Most don’t know that they look ridiculous to us when they put hands over mouths and go whoop whoop whoop because we don’t do that and never did. Many have no idea that we even still exist. I’ve been told that “Native American people are all dead so you can’t be that” and various other offensive things. It’s no surprise to me that she’s still selling books when most people can’t be bothered to learn the truth about a culture that is still very much alive. I love talking about my culture and gently breaking stereotypes when I can. Unfortunately not many seem to want to learn lol.
This is why research pays off. Hilarious text, thank you!
sigh.
Speaking as an avid and voracious reader, I can state that there are many, many books in all genres with what I shall call unfortunate covers. I have learned that most of the time, the authors get little to no say in the covers of their books. This means, logically speaking/typing, that those unfortunate (and truly worthy of mocking) covers are NOT the fault or responsibility of the authors, many of whom may be just as appalled by them as any reader. This is why the saying ‘don’t judge a book by it’s cover’ continues to be used. (Yes, some of those covers deserve mocking. That doesn’t mean that the book is that bad.)
Similarly, I believe that anyone who has sought out enough books of their own choice to have run out of fingers to count them on will agree that the blurbs on the back cover do not always accurately reflect the content, and some of those can be quite dreadful as well. These are also apparently not always the work of the book’s author, but rather from the marketing departments. (this does make you wonder what sort of medications some of those marketing people take, or how much they know about what real people want.)
As a future librarian, you should know better than to dismiss the content of a book without more than a look and a laugh at the cover.
Considering the sheer quantity of romance novels, you should also understand that there is a vast, vast appeal to them (regardless of your personal reading tastes) and that there are many subcategories of ‘romance story’. Also, like any other category of fiction, there will be a huge variety of writing styles and presentations, and not all will appeal to all readers.
As an aspiring librarian, I would think that you would want to encourage reading, in any form and genre. That you would be aware that not every reader has the same tastes. That some/many people will have wildly varied collections of books that they own/read.
So why mock and dismiss an entire genre of writing? Would you be equally mocking of books that are categorized as ‘mystery’, ‘westerns’ or ‘crime-thrillers’ ? (Perhaps this whole blog entry was intended as sarcasm, and I missed that. If that was the case, my apologies – it can be hard to gather tone/emotion over the internet.) But I feel that librarians should be among the people who most highly encourage reading of books – also in that list should be writers, editors, and publishers – anyone involved in the creation, spread and preservation of books.
The blog was intended in fun, to have a good laugh. I hope haven’t encouraged people “not to read” and I wasn’t trying to “mock and dismiss an entire genre of writing”, but just to point out some things that somewhere, somehow, went terribly, terribly wrong.
I’m thinking Cassie Edwards has a thing for Tonto. She must, all of her heroes read like Whitey’s guide to the stereotyped Native American.
Evil Librarian, you are amazing. Thank you.
The “innocent but compromising position” in #18 is…(drum roll)…a bee sting to the collarbone; the hero’s got a major phobia of bees and decided trying to suck out the venom out in full view of a houseful of guests was a good idea. It’s not a bad book in the grand scheme of Trashy Romance Novels.
Thank you for for your….dare I say research? =)
This is an excellent list. I recently finished doing the inventory on my own library’s paperbacks, and the titles of the romances alone had me rolling on the floor, to the confusion of nearby patrons.
Fantastic blog! I just finished reading your archives. I’ll be sure to tell all my librarian friends where they can find a kindred spirit!
Okay first of all love the domain name!
Second of all as soon as I heard about Christian lumberjack soft core made me think of the lumberjack song from Monty python.
I bow before your supervillainous-ness.
I just discovered this delightful blog through the Fug Girls and while I would love to offer myself as a minion, I’m afraid I mightn’t measure up to the demands of such a status. Would you consider hiring a mignonette with potential?
Thank you so much for the giggles. (Also, the NYT reviews soft-core porn? The New York Times?)
I am amazed and disturbed by the fact that these are real books.
It’s too bad you haven’t read any of these books…Nina Bangs ans Lori Devoti are pretty freaking awesome!! Didn’t know if you were awarem but romance authors don’t usually get a say in their titles or their cover art….so you know what they say? Never judge a book by its cover!
BTW I so bought Tessa Adams book on my kindle because of this post!
0.0 My mom reads the “highlander” series. I started one. It was… weak. I still don’t get why she reads them.
I do agree-viscounts are way too anonymous to be in so many romances.
This list is fabulous. I was sadly unaware that other Whitworth folk knew of the existence of these fabulously terrible novels. I am most pleased to find a smutty ally. Also on this list should be the “Dark” series by Christine Feehan. Every single title has the word “Dark” in it. Every. Single. One. They are about vampire folk who are not vampires (because “Carpathians” sounds so much better).
Go forth. Conquer. Pollute thy minds and amuse thyselves.
Oh my gosh, Corinne. Hilarious.
If library science doesn’t work, you’ve totally got a career in romance novel back cover copy writing.
I laughed so hard. Thanks for the warnings XD
This is the best blog post ever. It just made my day.
One of the worst books I have read are The Improper Governess by Caroline Dunn and Something Special by Joan Hohl. Try them out,
Evil librarian, I salute you and your most excellent list. It made me laugh. Out loud. A lot. I almost wished that I was drinking milk at the time because it would have surely been coming out of my nose. So inspired am I that I’m tempted to start my own Bad Bodice Ripper club and get the gals in the typing pool onto some of your top titles. Love that you’ve ruffled a few romance reading feathers too, you anarchist you. Keep it up.
*spits coke zero all over monitor* Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha*deep breath*hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!! Oh god , those can’t be real. I read Harlequins but for some MST action. Madam , you have a new reader
Holy cats, I think I just hurt myself laughing. Thank you for this, it was bloody fantastic.
love it
I just have to tell you that this is the most entertaining list I’ve seen. Recently I’ve been collecting hilarious titles of romance books, and I need to add these to the list.
Just a few that I’ve found that have been laugh out loud funny…
Tamed: The Barbarian King by Jennie Lucas. (Cover pic isn’t too bed, but love the title!)
The Naked Gentleman by Sally MacKenzie. (No cover pic for this one, just text.)
Some Like it Kilted. (my phone ate the picture I had of this one, so I don’t know who wrote it.)
Thanks so much for sharing this list. It made my day.
I’m loving it! ‘Has to resort to making cowboy porn to pay the rent’. I know the feeling. Alternatively, you could always get a job in Starbucks…
Have recovered composure after uncontrollable giggles. Thanks for that! (And thank goodness I wasn’t in the office).