But I’m bad, so I ate it anyway.

I’ve never read much science fiction in my life, until I graduated college and suddenly had time to read voluminous tomes consisting of virtually everything. (Come to think of it, science fiction usually isn’t marketed to girls either. Hmmm.)  A few items I stumbled across and liked during this period of ample free time belonged loosely in the science fiction genre, and it gave me cause to wonder: what in the market should I read next? The only recommendations I’ve ever received were from off-putting strangers on the bus whom I could not discourage from talking to me.

So I leave it to you, dear readers. What are your favorite reads, especially ones that a person can appreciate despite not having forayed very far into the genre before?

List away! Extra points for reads with a particularly interesting villain.

Years ago, when I was young and naiive, I thought that two people should only get married if they make each other better; if they cheer for each other’s villainous schemes; if they aren’t too put off by each other’s secret identities; if they refuse to leave the other behind even when the minions are complaining and the ray gun has malfunctioned and the police are closing in. “If there’s someone like that out there for me,” my youthful self thought, “I’m sure I’ll stumble across him sooner or later. If not, just as well. I’ll gad about and have adventures.”

When I went to college, the girls there kindly explained to me that this is great folly. By that logic, a person might never get married, and single people are bad.

So, I decided to marry the first left-handed Irish man I could find. And since that day, the search has been on.

I searched downtown on St. Patrick’s Day, musing that surely they would be loitering about on every street corner. Alas, all I found was some strong Dubliner cheese. I am rather maniacal about fine cheeses.

Some time after that I visited the Everything Irish store in Coeur d’Alene, hoping to buy a redheaded boy with my paltry wages.

They were closed.

I searched a rather dicey pub full of bagpipers.

Nothin’. So I played pool instead.

I tried to break in to the annual dinner of an Irish association by hiding in the catering, but the location of the catering eluded me.

I’ve convinced several friends travelling through Ireland to be my Yente, but all have FAILED.

One day I will visit this smashing pub in Vegas. I mean, there’s nine of them, for cripes’ sake.

I’ve searched the coasts of Turkey and the balmy beaches of Hawai’i. I’ve checked the interior of Arizona, the storefronts of Long Beach, the coffee shops of Richland. Many, many rolls of (metaphorical–the camera’s digital) film have been taken of my swashbuckling adventures and hair-raising escapades while searching for my dearest love, armed with a group of (not at all metaphorical) dear friends. Alas, he eludes me, like geometry and decent pay.

I know, I know what you’re thinking: “What if the first left-handed Irishman you see is old and fat and comes home from the pub to knock you around a bit?” Well, I’ve devised a simple solution for weeding out fakes and freaks. I created a standardized test to catch them. Part one gets rid of the ones really far off the mark, and if he passes that one, I’ll hook him up to a lie detector and let him take the Top Secret Essay Test that I have formulated and re-formulated and hidden somewhere covert in the Stacks of Evil. Then, we’ll get married.

So that you, my loyal minions, can share in the fun, I have posted the Left-Handed Irish Test Part One for your amusement. Also, if you happen to stumble across any sweet little left-handed nerd boys (Penny to my Dr. Horrible, if you will), you can print it and quiz them on the spot.

Also, I made it copyrighted. See that, Minion James? NO stealing my test!

Evil Librarian Supervillain ©

Please write your name here. Note that if it is a stupid name, I will not marry you until you change it:    _________________________

Please state your age. Note that you should be between 25 and 35, otherwise people will point and laugh and possibly throw rocks when we’re in public. ________________

Evil Librarian Supervillain ©

Please rate your feelings on the following items, 1 being “That item is despicable”,  3 being “I am ambivalent toward said item” and 5 being “I think those are keen!”

(I apologize for the formatting issues. But, what doesn’t kill us makes us cross-eyed.)

1. Coke in bottles                                                        1     2     3     4     5
2. Sweater vests                                                          1     2     3     4     5
3. The Public Library                                              1     2     3     4     5
4. Cute fluffy kitty cats           -1,000                  1     2     3     4     5
5. Reformer Martin Luther                                1     2     3     4     5
6. Dinosaurs                                                              1     2     3     4     5
7. Raisins                                                                     1     2     3     4     5
8. Ninja battles                                                         1     2     3     4     5
9. Cigarettes/Tobacco                                           1     2     3     4     5
10. Comic books                                                          1     2     3     4     5
11. Kenny G                                                                   1     2     3     4     5
12. Dressing as a pirate and cavorting through sprinklers at midnight               1     2      3    4     5
13. Thermo nuclear devices                                  1     2     3     4     5
14. Bowling                                                                     1     2     3     4     5
15. Coke in cans                                                           1     2     3     4     5
16. Relient K                                                                  1     2     3     4     5
17. Fancy cheeses                                                       1     2     3     4     5
18. Parades                                                                   1     2     3     4     5
19. Jeeves & Wooster                                               1     2     3     4     5
20. Lighting things on fire                                   1     2     3     4     5
21. Plaid                                                                        1     2     3     4     5
22. Literary Censorship                                      1     2     3     4     5
23. TV show “Castle”                                             1     2     3     4     5
24. TV show “Family Guy”                                  1     2     3     4     5
25. Snuggling                                                              1     2     3     4     5
26. Watching sports on television                 1     2     3     4     5
27. Theology                                                               1     2     3     4     5
28. Childish pranks                                               1     2     3     4     5
29. Bagpipes                                                              1     2     3     4     5
30. Sex with strangers                                         1     2     3     4     5
31. Sex with beloved wife                                   1     2     3     4     5
32. Outdated slang                                                 1     2     3     4     5
33. Going dumpster diving                               1     2     3     4     5
34. Jesus                                                                     1     2     3     4     5
35. The 1980’s                                                          1     2     3     4     5
36. Spending time with kids                           1     2     3     4     5
37. Junk food                                                          1     2     3     4     5
38. Girls who wear glasses                              1     2     3     4     5
39. The Aryan Nations                                      1     2     3     4     5
40. Kirsten Dunst                                                1     2     3     4     5

Evil Librarian Supervillain©

Please complete the following “yes” or “no” questions. Spelling counts.

1. Are you, and have you always been, a person of the male gender? __________
2. If you were to witness a criminal act taking place among your friends, and no witnesses were present nor was anyone else in the group planning to intervene and stop the instigator, would you be a good lookout? ______________
3. Do you practice bestiality or necrophilia and/or think it is okay? ___________
4. Is it appropriate to watch Saturday morning cartoons past the age of 18? _____
5. Have you ever enjoyed a musical, including but not limited to Phantom of the Opera, The Wizard of Oz or Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog? _________________
6. Do you have or are you planning to grow a mustache with no beard? __________
7. Is there any excuse for one ply in regular bathroom use? _____________
8. Have you been married previously?  _______________
9. Have you been engaged previously?  _______________
10. Have you resorted to prostitution?  ________________
11. Do you possess any children, bags of raisins, or kittens? _____________
12. Are you extremely messy? _____________
13. Do you participate in recreational drug use? _____________
14. Would you postulate that you wear more jewelry than I do? _____________
15. Were you just confused by the word postulate? ____________
16. Are you a transvestite? _______________
17. Will it afflict you greatly if we continually live in poverty? ____________
18. Are you willing to associate with various unsavory characters, such as hippies, trekkies, Jesus freaks, vegetarians, gamers, rednecks, hillbillies, and thieves? ____________
19. Do you have a job? ____________
20. If we get married, will you try to make me throw away my books?___________
21. Are you a left-handed boy? ___________
22. Do you have red hair? _____________
23. Will you share your toast with me? _____________
24. Are you planning on coming home from the pub to knock me around a bit? ___________
25. Are you okay with having only robot foster children or human foster children, possibly both?__________
26. Are you obsessed with politics? ______________
27. Do you eat strange healthy foods, such as “bran” and anything ending in “germ”? _________
28. Are you shorter than 5’6”? _________
29. Are you against desserts?_________
30. Do you refer to dates as “babe” “yo, chick” or “my woman”? ___________

Evil Librarian Supervillain ©

As an added treat, here is an email address to which you can send letters of adulation: EvilLibrarianSupervillain@hotmail.com

Here’s hoping I don’t swipe any candy from you, dear minions! Go off and have some adventures of your own.

As Dorothy Parker would say, “This wasn’t just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This is terrible with raisins in it.”

Raisins indeed.

Scratch and sniff, you have BETRAYED me. Musty sticker. Pah!

In the meantime, here is a list of shiny bookstores I have been looking at to reinforce my faith in humanity. They’re the first things I’ll take over when I make it into the League.

A: The cheese pizza can actually feed a family of four.

Alas, it is with a heavy heart that I lose the one other Spokanite currently in my program. She called it quits to go do practical things, like get paid, move out of the cardboard box, blah blah blah. But Evil Librarian Supervillain chugs onward, besieged by homework and pennilessness. On the upside, my classes this semester are shaping up to be both practical and challenging.

No electives have been presented yet on Manipulating Infomation To Take Over The World or Discarding Your Enemies, but I have yet to reach the higher level classes.

Which brings us to Evil Plan #10. I don’t know about you guys, but I need a snow day. Fix the car, prepare the lesson plan, pick up the donations, do the dishes, do the laundry, rearrange the shed, learn about databases, chase the kittens, I’m exhausted. The difficulty is, the Stacks of Evil are based in Spokane, where we ain’t no wusses. If we were in Phoenix or Eugene or Tacoma Which Is A Horrible Place, this would be cake. Two inches of snow and everyone goes running back to their houses praying to be spared from the Apocalypse.

(By the by, I plan to make these adorable cookies for the next meeting I have to suffer through. I think they set the right tone.)

Props to Minion Michelley for pointing them out.

Anyway, to get a really solid snow day, we’re going to need around ten inches. Maybe twelve. Picture this. A small child goes out back and turns on the hose, as small children do.

Perhaps she monkeys around with the garden hose until there’s a small pond in her backyard. This will make no great difference in the world–unless several dozen other children do it at the same time.

Thanks to the precipitation song the little kids sing at school, I know that water on the ground evaporates, turns to water vapor, condenses and falls again. It’s one of the three useful things science has ever taught me.

As SNOW!!!

Sadly, I’ve been pitching this idea to elementary schoolers for years, and they’ve never shared my vision. They just sort of roll their eyes and continue playing Pokemon. So it’s up to you, minions. Now, we COULD develop some special chemicals in the lab to turn each minipond a different color, and create rainbow snow, but I don’t want to get cocky on the trial run. Besides, I can see things going seriously wrong when it turns to slush.

If all goes well, we can cancel out that passe global warming and create a new ice age. It will be like Narnia, only with Christmas and no fauns.

Tonight. Go forth and water the seeds of dissention and discontent!!

Take that, Monday. You’re hosed.

Wicked Vocab of the Day: Rapscallion

1. a rascal or ne’erdowell

The most feared and loathed rapscallion of all time was Monday--
it could not be stopped. 

1. Deluxe Nancy Pearl Action Figure With Real Shushing Action

2. Bronte Sisters Power Dolls

I want Charlotte.

3. A Weasely Sweater

A small family-owned British company was commissioned to create the sweaters in the film, but they are all out. There is a knitting pattern online, but sadly I do not know how to knit. Perhaps Mrs. Weasely can make me one that says ELS on it?

4. A Really Cool Laser Thingy

The Spyder III, world’s most powerful portable laser and featured in my plan Qwest Transgressed, would make such a delightful tool to spread Christmas…cheer.

5. A Bibliolounge and Footstool

That is, when I’m not using the heads of my enemies as my footstool. Look at this economical use of space! I’m sitting, and there’s my book! BRILLIANT!

6. Army of Flying Antelope Henchmen

Picture this big guy but with fluffy white wings. The flying monkeys have nothing on the sheer terror that my flying army of enraged antelope muscle would evoke. Plus, they’re catalogable and tax deductable.

7. BookMobile

This…

crossed with this:

Space, luxury, and the ability to fire copies of Dickens’ A Christmas Carol at the masses at an incredible speed.

8. A Library Robot

Robots are the bee’s knees.

9. Various additions to the Stacks of Evil.

Reading feeds your brain.

O, what a grand and sonorous chorus of literature sings in my ears to be read–alas, I must instead go to work.

10. A Rude and Slightly Off-Putting T-shirt.

11. A Terrifying Sock Puppet.

When it comes to manipulating the masses, you can’t beat a really scary sock puppet. People really sit up and take notice.

12. Harecore Librarian Tattoos

Perfect for undercover mischief in the seedy underbelly of the literary world.

13. A Great Soundtrack

I mean, I already have this one, but…perhaps its time I gave some thought to a theme song. A jingle. A ditty. Sadly, I’m more or less tone deaf, so someone talented will have to do it for me. Balls.

14.  More Tweed.

A librarian can NEVER have enough tweed. Also, polyester.

15. Loyal Minions, To Leave Me Comments and Do My Bidding

Oh, wait. I already have those. Thanks, minions! Happy holidays and much cider unto thee.

And now, my final gift to you: Bruce Willis’ brief debut in the pop world, under the working name “Bruno”. Respect yo’ self!

Oh, Bruce. I think you may have missed your calling. Er, that is, you have an additional one.

In any case, here is a mishmosh of reads smattered with detectives, mystery, crime and nuns, in the hopes that at least a few of them will amuse you. Sadly, I have nothing specifically Halloween-esque on this list–it’s been a long time since I’ve read any horror or monster fiction. Recommendations?

The Gun Seller, Hugh Laurie

If you like Hugh Laurie on screen, you’ll love this book. His voice and humor are everywhere in this spy spoof. Thomas Lang, ex-soldier and current bodyguard for hire, is offered an assassination job, which he refuses, and in the process of trying to warn an attractive femme fatale of the danger she and her father are in, gets pulled into a spy game full of crosses and double crosses.

A lovely jaunt through love and loss, with guns!: “It is the middle of December now, and we are about to travel to Switzerland – where we plan to ski a little, relax a little, and shoot a Dutch politician a little.”

A Long Fatal Love Chase, Louisa May Alcott

Before she hit it big with Little Women, Louisa May Alcott tried her hand at a stalker novel, which was rejected as “too sensational” and remained unpublished until 1995. It’s a fast read, intended as a serial story in the papers and high on suspense. Rosamond declares aloud that she would sell her soul to Satan in exchange for a year of freedom from her crochety old grandfather and uneventful life. I loved reading this fast-paced novel because it reads like a melodramatic old movie: there is one scene in which she is looking vainly in the mirror and gasps, seeing a sinister shadow behind her. Whew! It’s only the handsome newcomer to the island, Phillip Tempest. Alas, his tempestuous obsession with her means he can never let her go!

Dog On It, Spencer Quinn

Bernie is a recently divorced, average bloke just trying to make end’s meet and pick up some more private eye business with the help of his dog, Chet. The twist to this light detective story is that everything is told from Chet’s perspective. The author actually makes good use of things only a dog would notice to show us who did it, as well as using Chet’s befuddlement over various human habits to add a little humor (Why is Bernie always singing in the shower after that Susie lady comes over?) So it winds up a fun detective and his dog story rather than something like Poochinski:

Girl Sleuth: Nancy Drew and the Women Who Created Her, Melanie Rehak

If you don’t want a bit of your childhood destroyed, skip this paragraph. Train wreck? Can’t look away? Very well, I warned you. Caroline Keene is not a real person. Nor is Franklin W. Dixon of the Hardy Boys, Victor Appleton of Tom Swift, or Laura Lee Hope of the Bobbsey Twins. All are pen names created by Stratemeyer Syndicate, who hired various ghostwriters to write the books according to a certain formula in order to achieve a consistant product, and made big bucks! This book tells the story of the ladies who wrote Nancy Drew during some tough times in America, and gives some insight as to why Nancy’s popularity took off so quickly and still resonates with readers now. Explains why the Hardy Boys always seem to catch the villain on the exact same page, doesn’t it?

The Beekeeper’s Apprentice, Laurie R. King

This was one of my favorite books in high school, and it’s still a good read as an adult. A precocious teenage genius sent to live with family on the moors stumbles across the very real and very retired Sherlock Holmes, who still lives with and gets fretted over by Mrs. Hudson, and visited regularly by good-natured Dr. Watson. They are an odd pair: she walks the moors in very unladylike breeches with her nose constantly in a book; he has become a reculsive bee-keeper. Nevertheless, Holmes begins training Mary Russell in his methods just in time for a formidable new opponent to begin a chess match with their lives.

What makes this read even more intriguing is the preface to the book, which claims that Laurie R. King did not write this series of novels, but recieved it in a mysterious trunk full of interesting paraphenalia. In the spirit of Sherlock Holmes fans (his obituary has not appeared in the London Times, therefore he is considered to be still alive and kicking), 102 year old Mary Russell explains via her myspace page how Laurie R. King happened to obtain the writings of her adventures…

Heat Wave, Richard Castle

This read is not nearly as good if you don’t follow the TV show Castle, but if you do–one of the real mystery writers who plays poker with Richard Castle on the show ghostwrote this book, an actual version of the book Castle publishes on the show. Many scenes are more fun to read if you imagine Castle wrote them–and I was amused to see that they star not only a Becket-like Nikki Heat, but a Castle-esque journalist…whose name is Rook. The sequel, Naked Heat, has just been released, and is filled with the same over-the-top police antics.

Noisy Outlaws, Unfriendly Blobs, And Some Other Things That Aren’t as Scary, Maybe, Depending on How You Feel About Lost Lands, Stray Cellphones, Creatures from the Sky, Parents Who Disappear in Peru, a Man Named Lars Farf, and One Other Story We Couldn’t Quite Finish, So Maybe You Could Help Us Out, Ed. Lemony Snicket

I was in the middle of a search for books by Lemony Snicket of A Series of Unfortunate Events fame, and I stumbled across this. How do you not make a startled noise and then pick this book up? It has stories by Jon Sciezska, Jonathan Safran Foer, Neil Gaiman, Nick Hornby, and others, and was edited by the aforementioned Lemony Snicket. Some of the stories were disturbing, some were funny, but all were really, really random views of the world in the guise of children’s stories (that aren’t actually intended for children at all).

The Pig Did It: A Mystery, Joseph Caldwell

The Pig Did It: A Mystery. How do you not love this book right there? They’ve told you who did it. We have all that awkwardness out of the way. Whatever will happen next? A corpse, a man with a mad crush on a swineherd, a secret passageway, and much ado about nothing on an Irish countryside.

Death of An Irish Tinker, Bartholomew Gill

Have I mentioned I love Ireland? I do. And this gritty mystery has lots of Ireland and lots of Irish police work, filled with all kinds of handy knowledge such as how to shoot through the underbelly of a car, never mess with a clan of tinkers, and human nature never lies. Peter McGarr of Ireland’s Special Crimes Unit steps in to investigate the rising body count perpetrated by a well-known druglord, who is now searching for the artistic, gentle tinker who witnessed his crime and is now on the run. I liked the writing style of this book enough to read others in the series, however I have to say that the direction a certain precinct romance took ruined it all for me. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

The Christening Day Murder, Lee Harris

I picked up this book because it stars a nun who has recently hung up her habit and returned to the world, only to find herself constantly in the middle of another murder investigation, and a growing romance with a police detective. This isn’t the first book in the series (that’s The Good Friday Murder), but it is the one I stumbled across, and I can’t resist a bit of nun fiction; it’s second to nun. That was really terrible. I should maybe go to confession.

I Heard You Paint Houses, Charles Brandt

From losing his virginity to circus folk to disposing of German prisoners during the war to Teamsters truck driving all the way up to the day he buried Jimmy Hoffa, this guy had the most colorful life (of crime) I’ve ever read. A “house painter” (i.e. hitman–the blood spatters the walls) Frank the Irishman spilled the dirt in this book as a sort of deathbead confession, and he apparently had plenty to confess! This grisly true crime read is riddled with mobsters, double-crosses and infamy.

The Name of This Book Is Secret, Pseudonymous Bosch

Pseudonymous Bosch is like Lemony Snicket for pre-teens. Semi-paranoid survivalist Cass befriends Max Ernest, a boy who loves magic tricks and whose house is divided in half (literally–his parents drew a line down the middle and each pretends the other isn’t there. They would have gotten a divorce, but they thought it might warp Max-Ernest). Secret societies? Word puzzles? A villain who looks exactly like the original Barbie? A friend whose disguise you never see coming? Yes, please. Though, I have to say, my favorite character is the homunculus in If You’re Reading This, It’s Too Late (the second book in this nefarious series). That guy will eat ANYTHING.

Next on the docket:

I’ve been debating the question of who would win in the case of Dracula vs. Jaws for about six months. I think I have all the variables down and a good idea of the outcome, but just in case it’s time for some research.

Seeing as I rarely check the stats on The Stacks of Evil, I was pleasantly surprised to see so many new minions. Welcome, henchpeople!

Wicked Vocab of the Day: Macabre \mə-ˈkäb

For Reals?!

This makes the top of the list, no question. Zaky Pillows are fake hands that clutch your infant while they sleep, so that you don’t have to hold them as often during the night. What better than disembodied zombie hands to give your infant sweet dreams?

Manufactured in Shanghai! These inflatable neck floaties let your baby float in the pool unattended in order to learn to swim at a younger age. Look, ma, no hands! No matter how many pictures of these SwimRings I see, the baby in it always looks like it’s being smothered and trying to look happy about it.

Ever forget where you parked and have to use the button on your keys? Now that same technology can help you find where in the house you last placed that elusive infant. Press the button and the teddy attached will beep so you can find your child. If you need one of these, you probably also need CPS.

The Original Tummy Tub! Designed in the Netherlands, this bathing bucket is made to resemble being in the womb, making baby feel more comfortable and secure. I don’t know what your womb looks like, but I’m pretty sure mine isn’t a bucket.

Pee Pee TP! That’s right, folks. You place this paper cup over your son’s wee wee as you change him so he can’t pee on you. Actually, they’re almost exactly like the ones you use at the water cooler. Hmmm….reduse, reuse, recycle!

Baby bookends! These suckers keep your newborn from turning over at night. Newborns can’t turn themselves over anyway, but whatever.

This is a vaccuum that your child can ride around the house. Mommy can just sit back and relax as her child cleans the house for her. I want you to picture every time your mom almost dropped the vaccuum down the stairs, and add toddler screaming and flames. Actually, if they made them big people sized, this would be pretty awesome. My house would be so clean.

“Haw, haw! Look, Pa! The baby has a toupee, just like you! Haw haw, let’s take pictures of the baby looking funny.”

This is a sign we are doomed as a species.

Nothing is more stylish for uptown mommy than a fur covered changing pad. Unless you use it, in which case you better hope the loaded diaper matches the color of the fur.

Thanks to these hooks that fit over the side of a restroom stall, you can leave baby hanging while you do your business. Look how happy baby is to be rubbed up against a germy public restroom wall. My favorite part will be when the person in the stall next door goes, “What the hell is this thing?” and unhooks it.

Hundreds of years of learning to walk, and we suddenly decide our kids need protective helmets. They come with matching knee pads.

It’s a bad day in a toddler’s life when dad says, “Here, Billy! You get to wear the special helmet now.”

This is a $40 piece of foam that goes in your fireplace so your child can’t crawl in and die. Check out this real customer satisfaction letter:

One would think it would be more effective and cheaper to just wrap the baby in foam.

I’m going to go catch up with work after an epic road trip of awesomeness to bookstores, the Space Needle, Puyallup and Vashon Island. I went on a boat.

Don’t worry, minions. I would never start paying you and render your work meaningless. Instead I have filled a blog with various bits of delightfulness to improve the quality of your happy-go-lucky lives. After all, what would a supervillain be without her loyal band of myrmidions? First, I discovered that several of my minions have never been tormented with Things To Do in Wal-Mart chain mail, and were rather distressed about this. So, I have modified the classic list to remove some of the lamer posts, and posted it for their edification:

101 FUN THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them
and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals
throughout the day.

4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get
to join in.

5. Go through all the popular, trashy novels in the book section and put all the terrible reads upside down. If anyone questions you, say, “You have to do a handstand to read it. This one’s more enjoyable if all the blood is rushing to your head anyway.”

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

7. Shove a beach ball under your shirt and loudly pretend to give birth in the diaper aisle.

8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW,
especially thin narrow aisles.

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I
think we’ve got a Code 3 in Housewares,” and see what
happens.

11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off
and turn the volumes to “10″.

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, “Hi! I haven’t seen
you in so long!…” etc. See if they play along to avoid
embarrassment.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask
yourself loud enough for all to hear, “Who BUYS this junk,
anyway?”

15. Pick up the divider that goes between purchases on the conveyor belt and ask how much it is. Get furious when the salesperson says it isn’t for sale.

16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you’re
taking it for a “test drive.”

17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about
five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the
department.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store
as your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look
mesmerized and say, “Wow. Magic!”

20. Put M&M’s on layaway.

21. Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you’ll
only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can “catch” from
the other aisles.

24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around
saying,”…I’m Batman. Come, Robin, to the Batcave!”

26. Steal TP from the restrooms. TP as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell “hello”
upside down.

29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask,
“Why won’t you people just leave me alone?”

30. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired
employees if there are any in stock, i.e., “Do you have any
Shnerples here?”

31. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale
battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

32. Take bets on the battle described above.

33. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

34. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from
“Mission: Impossible.”

35. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while
squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him ” I
need some tampons!!”

36. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department.

37. Try on bras over top of your clothes.

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

40. Ask if they have any calendars from 1998 because “you want one on sale”.

41. Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store.

42. Two words: “Marco Polo.”

43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet
food aisle, etc.

44. “Re-alphabetize” the CD’s in Electronics.

45. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the
restrooms

46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at
something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker,
assume the fetal position and scream, “No, no! It’s those
voices again!”

49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and
relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain
that you don’t get out much, and ask if they can put a little
umbrella in it.

51. Explain to the woman at the cosmetics counter that you need something to cover a rash in a private area. Ask detailed questions.

52. Try putting different pairs of women’s panties on your
head and walk around the store casually.

53. Construct a small altar. Leave sacrifices.

54. Nonchalantly “test” the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

55. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run
between them, yelling, “Red Rover!”

56. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror
while you pick your nose.

57. Bring a toddler riding toy like a rocking horse up front. Tell the cashier little Billy is very obese, and to please stand on top of this to make sure it holds enough weight.

58. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly
ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act
as spastic as possible.

59. While no one’s watching quickly switch the men’s and
women’s signs on the doors of the rest room.

60. Fill your entire cart with boxes of condoms, and then go ask a salesperson if there are any more. Abandon said cart in front of the men’s hair dye display.

61. In the auto department, practice your “Madonna” look with
various funnels.

62. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse
through, say things like “the fat man walks alone,” and scare
them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.

63. Hide in the clothing racks and make a different animal noise every time a piece of clothing is removed: hippo, lion, elephant.

64. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people
out.

65. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and
begin stroking it lovingly, saying “Good girl, good bessie.”

66. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of
shoes, not putiing one pair back. Take the paper from the
boxes and throw it in various aisles.

67. Ask in the music department about a particular song. When the person finds it for you, say, “I’m not sure if it’s the one I’m thinking of. Will you sing it for me?”

68. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every
perfume there is. Hug the salespeople.

69. Go through every binder in the school supplies section, saying something like, “I’ve gotta find my homework. Mrs. Lambert is going to be really pissed on Monday!”

70. Walk around the perfume department with a bottle of
super strong perfume and spray people as they walk by. Lean
in and sniff.

71. Hit on the elderly, and infants.

72. Go to the liquor section. Bellow, “BUT WHY IS THE RUM GONE?”

73. Go to electronics. Turn the dials on various products until someone offers to help you. Say, “Do you have one that goes up to 11? I want one that goes to 11!”

74. Go into the dressing room stall. Make uncomfortable noises. After a few minutes, shout,”There’s no toilet paper in here!”

75. Crawl around on the ground and pretend that you’re a cat.
Meow when people walk by, rub up against their legs, etc.

76. Ride around on those electric cars and pretend that your a
prissy English Man. Say things like “Cheerio, good man.” to
people who walk by. And don’t forget to have perfect posture.

77. Ask to change the channel in the TV section. Be very upset if they don’t let you. Ask again in three minutes if they do.

78. Hang out in the pet section. Bark at people.

79. Have silly string fights with a friend. Hide behind
customers and “accidentally” hit the people instead of your
friend.

80. Excesively use anything thing that says “Try Me”.

81. Start pocketing any and all free samples.

82. Draw mustaches on all the ads.

82. Walk up to the customer service and when they say
“Hello, how may I help you?” say “Yes, I’ll have a Quarter
Pounder with cheese, one strawberry shake, a large order of
french fries and a diet coke.” And when they start to talk, say
“Oh, to go”. Then when they say that they can’t give it to you
say “Oh, This is because I’m gay isn’t it? I’d expect this from
Caldors, but not Walmart. People who are gay are just like
everyone else your know. You digust me.” Then walk away
mumbling to yourself. If your a guy, try to act as valley- girl-
like as you can.

83. Start to madly scratch yourself and walk up to people
asking where the rash cream is because your family and all
your friends seem to have a rash too.

84. When your alone, have loud conversations with your
“multiple personalities”.

85. Start “dancing” like mad. Basically, just wail your arms
and legs around like your having some kind of massive
seizure.

86. Ask various people if they’re “that guy from People of Walmart.com“

87. Stick your arm in your jacket and suspiciously start to
leave the store. Get really tense and start to lean over as your
walking through the doors as if your suspecting the alarms to
go off. Then when it doesn’t go off, let out a big sigh. Then
quickly look around you to see who’s watching and run away
as fast as your can.

88. Balance EVERYTHING you see on the tips of your finger,
your nose, your forehead, and the top of your head while
singing the circus song.

89. Go in the woman’s lingerie department and sigh loudly, “WHERE are all the jockstraps?”

90. Pretend to be a sales associate doing a giveaway promotion. Get the crowd excited about a product and then hide as they take it through the line and discover it isn’t free.

91. Put super sexy lingerie in old men’s carts when they turn
around.

92. Stack bottles of Pepsi in the middle of an aisle. When people ask what you’re doing, reply, “Making an impenetrable fort.”

93. Spend hours staring at a little blinking light. After a while,
start saying blink everytime it blinks. Don’t look away, just
stay mesmerized.

94. Ask a salesperson what rhymes with orange. If they say they can’t help you, that nothing does, or to go away, ask for another sales person.

95. Light a match under a sprinkler.

96. Walk up to someone and say “Oh, so your back for more. I
warned you never to come back here. Wait here while i go get
my shot gun”. Then walk away.

97. Lie down in the middle of an aisle. Pretend to be a shark.

98. Pretend that your a
mannequin. Try to hold the same position for as long as
possible. Then finally as someone is walking by, check your
watch and say. “Finally, my shift is done. I really don’t get
paid enough to do this”

99. Start singing oldies songs into a megaphone.

100. Ask people “Have you seen
my mommy?”

101. Steal a Walmart shirt. The possibilities are endless.

BONUS* Attempt all of the above during the same visit.

Also, here are some important ways to tell if your kitten is secretly trying to kill you. We’re all about safety here, minions. Your well-being is my first priority.

Also, I want you all to be sure and participate in the professional wrestling effort towards literacy. We need good role models for our children, because they’re our future.

(Don’t make fun. Wrestlers read, too.)

Lastly, don’t end up like this guy. He has no idea what a colossal dweeb he is.

Or, maybe he does and his art is meant to be ironic. Who can say?

She was most seriously displeased.

You have been adrift in the sheltered harbor of my patience, Qwest Whores. And now you have gone too far. Cape up, minions! It’s time for….EVIL PLAN #9!

Minion Assignment:

Step #1: Obtain Spyder III Pro-Arctic Laser, the incredibly powerful real lightsaber (available on www.wickedlasers.com).

Tyranny Tip: Laser printers are a big rip-off. The laser is inside of it, where no fun is to be had.

Additional Tyranny Tip: Smoke makes supervillain weapons look even cooler than they really are.

Step 2: Enter Qwest building dressed as generic maintanence person. No fake identification is necessary as long as you do your best to look moderately well-paid and incompetent. In other words, blend in. Stop elevator from running using various buttons, cables and levers, as maintenance men do.

Step #3: Use your laser beam to slice a circle in the top of the elevator car and fill the elevator completely with marbles.

Step #4: Fill in the spaces between the marbles with pounds and pounds of sparkly rainbow glitter, the herpes of craft supplies. (Once you’ve got it, you’ve got it for life).

*The transportation of these items may require the use of some sort of device hooked up to a hose.

Step #5: Let the elevator resume its work and exit the building quickly, before the unsuspecting enemy presses the elevator button, only to be crushed under the marbles of my wrath and covered with the gritty, irremovable glitter of Qwest’s iniquity.

Oh, and if you could skip the elevator of Mary in St. Paul, the one pleasant and helpful individual in all of Qwest’s foul halls. One always needs a remnant in the face of such an onslaught.

And an onslaught there will be be.

You’re in my chair, Qwest.

We’re a serious bunch, librarians.

I must admit, I thought my orientation would be dull and tedious, but it turns out only my homework is. It did have this little gem in it, though:

Dr. Llewellyn C. Puppybreath III was cited in my reading as someone you can’t go long in library science without knowing about. Extensive googling revealed that Dr. Puppybreath is the fictional head of a real organization that spoofs papers, Sig/Con. This started after a group of scholars sat through a very dry lecture and thought to themselves, “What if we were to deliver a ridiculous paper very seriously, so that the audience wants to laugh, but can’t?” Good thing. If Dr. Puppybreath was real, I have no idea how I would keep a straight face.

As you may have noticed, this is not the Harry Potter blog. I have been prevented from finishing it by a foul plague, followed by the horrible misadventures of orientation this week. But it’s coming, I swear.

I am getting a terminal degree in library and information science, which, as far as I can tell, means that it’s going to kill me.

Google maps failed me.

I almost spent the night in a mall.

The online bus information was incorrect-twice. Campus and five miles from campus are not the same, Trip Planner.

I returned to the park and ride to find I had left my low beams on and killed the battery.

I was late to class three out of four days, even if I woke up at 6 for a 9:30 class.

A creepy Mexican guy followed me around the Financial Aid building ogling me and laughing a creepy laugh.

I missed the bus and had to tail it into Seattle, where I got hopelessly lost for an extensive period of time. I got unlost, only to be unable to find parking. I found parking, only to run out of gas. I paid for parking and walked to the edge of the parking lot to look at the street sign. I turned back to find a parking ticket on my windshield.

I headed, late, for the only visibly available seat in the classroom only to find that the reason it was available is that it blocks the powerpoint that the other 300 people are watching (Good job me. Way to sneak in covertly).

I left my car only to return to strange (bodily?) fluid splashed against my car door.

My pajamas ripped mysteriously in the middle of the night.

I forgot my Coke.

I was stranded in a train station for two hours.

I almost go stranded in the middle of Tacoma because my tranfer bus was supposed to leave an hour before I got there. I was so relieved to see the bus driver who arrived more than an hour late that upon climbing aboard, I told him that I love him. (There was an awkward pause. He said, “You’re just saying that.” I said, “No, REALLY!” He told me to sit down. I said okay.)

Walking around Seattle in a sudden downpour with no jacket is less than fun.

Lids covering hot liquids are not to be trusted.

I have very strong feelings about I-5. They are not warm fuzzy feelings.

I went home and wrote this blog. WordPress erased it when I pressed Save.

At the end of my orientation, I felt like this girl:

Is this really happening to me? REALLY? WHHHHY?? All I can say is that a few good friends who took the time to come hang out with me last week are the only reason I didn’t hurl myself off of the sky bridge.

All that is to say, I have not finished the Harry Potter book list. Watch me distract you with controversy instead!

What do we think of the Quirk Classic phenomenon, minions? Starting with Pride & Predjudice and Zombies, publishers have been pumping out classic literature with passages involving attacks by zombies, ninjas, pirates, werewolves and the like. The reaction to these seems to be either, “Sweet! Why didn’t someone add zombie mayhem to this boring book a long time ago?” Or “AHHHHH! Sacriledge!”

I have to admit, while I thought the idea of replacing all the verbal sparring in Pride and Prejudice with actual, Elizabeth-vs.-Lady-Catherine-and-some-ninjas-who drop-from-the-sky sparring was clever, it also bothered me a bit that they added so much bawdry and changed certain events, because it’s Jane Austen. Jane Austen is one of those authors that you don’t want messed with, provided that you care for her works at all. However, if he had written the same scenes into Ulysses, I probably would sing with joy. (If anyone can use “joy” and “Ulysses” in the same sentence without something in the universe cracking.)

Or maybe I’m just bitter that Charlotte and not Mr. Collins was slowly morphing into a zombie. I mean, would anyone have noticed?

Has anyone read any of the rest of these? Could you still like it if it was a book you originally enjoyed? Or were you unable to distance yourself from the book you know and love?

And then we vere into historical parodies:

And I pose this additional question to you, O readers: What boring required reading would you insert carnage into if you could? I will admit, I wouldn’t mind zome ultraviolent zombie mayhem in some of my grad school reading…